The Slap

I have no willpower. So naturally when a new reality show “Most Eligible Dallas” came on Bravo, I HAD TO WATCH IT! Don’t judge me, I’m already pretty disappointed in myself. One of the cast members is Matt Nordgren, former University of Texas quarterback and special teams place holder. Here is his University of Texas football career in a nutshell:

Passing: 8 for 14 / 60 Yards / 1 INT / 0 TDs
Rushing: 17 attempts / 79 Yards / 1 TD

The show chronicles Matt and five of his closest friends as they navigate the Dallas social scene. If you ask them, they will tell you they are very well known and quite in-demand. During one scene, a cast member noted that it’s nice to have a meal “just them” and in order to keep hordes of people from bothering them during dinner they had to dine in a restaurant closed to the public to accommodate their privacy.

Look, maybe I need to get out more, but I do not know who any of these people, aside from Matt Nordgren are – and though I know his name, there’s no way I would recognize him on the street or in a dimly lit club. One of them chooses to not do anything for himself, instead he will  “push a button” and have a concierge do it for him. I have a hard time believing these people can’t have dinner without being accosted by social wanna-be’s...but I digress.

After taking a shower to cleanse myself of the show, I got to thinking: If I could slap only one former Texas Quarterback in the face, who I would like to slap more: Chris Simms or Matt Nordgren?

Here are some reasons I would choose to slap Matt:
1. Since Matt lives in Dallas, I see it more as of a vague possibility than a hypothetical scenario.
2. Matt said these words "Why do one on five, when you can grab one buddy and do two on 15?" Nice one.
3. I heard that Matt recently dated former ‘bachelorette’ Vienna. This is not okay.
4. If the show is filming Matt would be less likely to slap me back.
5. Chris Simms broke his spleen and had to have it removed and that’s a bummer.
6. Also, I booed Simms that one time at the BIG XII Championship in 2001, and I still feel kind of bad about that.

Here are some reasons I may consider slapping Chris:
1. Matt’s bio at company’s website says “Mr. Nordgren was the first person in NCAA University of Texas Football history by graduating with two degrees in 3 ½ years while maintaining high honors, Dean's List and lettering in football.” Besides the fact that this is not a structurally sound sentence, I think this is really impressive. I didn’t graduate in 3½ years and I certainly didn’t make high honors or the Dean’s list at any point.
2. I heard Chris Simms say in an interview that he wanted to “win his superbowls when his kids were young enough to enjoy them”. Hmmm.
3. Chris probably can’t run as fast, since the spleen removal, so maybe I could run away immediately after the slap.
4. Chris doesn’t have cameras on him, so there’s less probability of it ending up on YouTube….or in the hands of the prosecution.
5. A girl Matt dates on the show has a one-year old son named Major, which is AMAZING!
6. Chris doesn’t live in Dallas, so the actuality of having to follow through on a slap is much smaller. Less jail time.

I guess it’s a wash*. Since there’s not much news about Chris Simms these days and I don’t plan on watching “Most Eligible Dallas” ever again I likely won’t settle this internal debate. Hopefully this football season, I won’t be adding any more candidates to the list.


*I made sure the lists were even, so it would be a wash.  I would never have the guts to actually slap either one of them.  Maybe I would throw a drink in their vague direction...maybe.  I'm more of a big talker. And mostly I'm a big wimp, and I really don't think I'm cut out for jail.