The Playoffs

I get that people hate the BCS. I am by no means a BCS homer, I certainly see that it is flawed. But I’m also not sold that a college football playoff system is the proper way to right the woes that accompany crowning a National Champion unless the ranking system is completely overhauled.

Now, before you start pounding on your keyboard and cursing my name: assume every logistical issue with a college football playoff has been resolved. Magically, there are no problems with scheduling, academics missed and every hypothetical fan could travel to every hypothetical game. Money is not an issue.

Answer one question for me: who/what would determine what teams made the playoffs?

I can guarantee you that teams and fans who feel they were treated unfairly by the BCS will find new (or the same) fault with any ranking system that comes in to play. There is no way that 120 teams of varying schedule, geographical location, conference affiliation, revenue generation and media exposure are going to be ranked equally/fairly enough to produce a fool-proof Top 16. Changing from a BCS Champion to a Playoff Champion will not change the fact that there is no way to absolutely fairly rank teams.

I’ve also heard the call for 30 team mega-conferences and the champion and next top three teams from each conference go to the playoff. Again, there’s always that fifth team – a team who theoretically could be ranked higher than the fourth ranked team in a different mega-conference. Now we are outraged that the 17 highest ranked teams are not in the playoffs. Also, what if a team in one of the mega-conferences is ranked higher than the ‘champion’ of that mega-conference due to a championship game upset?! How does that work for seeding?

As for the ranking themselves, the biases will still be the same: favoring schools that play in 'tougher' conferences or teams that get more TV coverage...though I guess if every team was affiliated with one of the Big 4 conferences, these conferences would likely level out pretty evenly as far as toughness.

Maybe a league with eight or 16 conferences each sending their champion (and only their champion) to a playoff would be quasi-reasonable...until you have a situation like in the Big XII in 2003, when the #13 ranked Kansas State Wildcats knocked off the #1 Oklahoma Sooners in the Big XII title game.

One start to end the ranking madness would be to get rid of pre-season polls...but even that isn't going to solve our issue.  How are we going to properly rank an undefeated University of Central Florida or Rice when the pollsters can't even watch their games?!  These teams would get less press and respect than an undefeated Michigan.

Can you imagine making every AP Voter watch every game?  "Bwah ha ha...!  No time for hair and makeup, Kirk Herbstreit!  You've got 60 games to watch before you can rank teams this week!!"

Get rid of the human polls! They're subjective!  It's not fair to the schools not in major media markets and is biased toward more storied programs!  

Get rid of the computer polls!  We need humans to factor in things like underdogs and rebuilding teams!  June Jones is a genius!!

I think we need to start letting hybrid robot/humans do the voting. Here are my top choices:

   Johnny-5: He’s alive, you know

   Data: He installed his own “emotions chip”

   The Terminator: Infractions violations? “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle”

   C-3PO: He is an excellent Odds-maker

   Optimus Prime: Also an 18-wheeler

   Wall-E: He’s been isolated on a trash heap planet forever – so really he has no biases at all.

   Ray Liota: I’m pretty sure he’s a robot

   The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Robots: Always plenty of sarcastic comments

"I am a ro-bot"

Look, it's obvious the BCS isn't the ideal situation for defining a college football champion - but at least the #1 and #2 teams play each other for that title under this system...the problem comes down to the the rankings, not the institution itself. 

I can see why people want a playoff system, or rather, want to get rid of the BCS. I get the appeal of it. But I can't see how it will solve the root of the issue, which is to figure out who gets to play.

It's going to be the same old tears. we'll just be drying them off with a different handkerchief. 

The Letter

"Contrary to media reports this morning, Texas A&M did NOT send a withdrawal letter to the Big 12 on Monday," school spokesman Jason Cook tweeted on Tuesday.
 
Ah, dear sweet A&M.   Does this statement mean you sent it Sunday...maybe Tuesday?
 
Oh, I know! Was it an email and not an actual letter?  If technically it was sent ONLY to the Board Chairman, does that mean it was not sent to "the BIG XII"?
 
I jest, but A&M has made it clear they're willing to do just about anything to leave the BIG XII...what's the hold up?   
 
Nike-it-up already! 

The Alma Mater

When all was said and done, the Longhorns had lost to Kansas State 39-14 at  Bill Snyder Family Football Stadium.  It wasn't pretty, but it wasn't particularly surprising.

It was November 6, 2010.  After the game, the players and coaches gathered up in front of the band and the visitors section to sing The Eyes of Texas before leaving the field.

Home or away, win or lose, the 'Horns repeat this ritual after every game.  Over the last 12, years I haven't missed many of the post-game sing-a-longs. 

So there I stood, among the players' parents and traveling Longhorn faithful - my 'Horns were up as the band started to play. Imagine my disappointment when I looked down at the field and saw that about 10% of the players didn't have their 'Horns up.  At least 25% of them weren't singing along.

I was a little irritated.  Even more irritating than the lack of participation in the school's Alma Mater on the field was the nagging notion that I'd had this particular irritating feeling before.

I know what you're thinking:  I just don't get it.  I'm not a football player.  I wasn't out there on the field, playing my heart out for four quarters.  I'm not exhausted like the team.  I didn't just get physically and emotionally banged up out there.  I wasn't just heckled by fans.  I don't understand how bad it feels to not get it done and bring home a win.

And all those thoughts are true (save that visiting fans are often heckled by the home crowd and I've been  emotionally banged up by some of the games I've seen).  Being a football player for the University of Texas is something I'll never understand.

But here's some things I do understand:  I've been to every home game since I went off to college - the 1998 season.  Since then, in the last 166 games played, I have been to 142 of them.  That's 86% of the games in the last 12 years.  This means I've been to more University of Texas football games than Major Applewhite has, and that Mack Brown only has me beat by 24 games. 

I've lived in Dallas since 2003 - this means every game except Texas/Oklahoma at the Cotton Bowl is an away game for me. 

So here I am on November 6th in Manhattan, Kansas.  To get here I had to take a day of vacation from my job, drop half a paycheck on travel, sit at the airport through a 3 hour flight delay, drive a rental car 130 miles from the airport to Junction City and sleep in a hotel so filthy that I wouldn't even shower in it.

But you know what?  I was SO EXCITED to do it.  Because I love the 'Horns and I love University of Texas Football.  My traveling girls and I knew full well that we were going to lose to K-State before we even booked that flight, four losses into the season and we still wanted to be there, wearing orange in a sea of purple.

We cheered through that game, endured the heckling & the haters and yelled support on every drive.  Even when it was the 4th quarter and the Longhorns had yet to score, we stayed in the stands and cheered for our guys out there.   We didn't give up after that 5th interception or that 2nd fumble.  We love the team and we love the game, that's why we were there.

And yet when the game was over and the band played our school song, some of the players couldn't even bother to put their 'Horns up and spend 60 seconds with their parents, the cheerleaders, the band and the other traveling fans.  All those people that supported them, week in and week out...all those people that came to Kansas to cheer for them, win or lose.

When it was all said and done, they couldn't take one minute to sing The Eyes of Texas - with me. 

The Network

If a game is televised on The Longhorn Network and no one can watch it, did it really happen?

If the season is anything like the last, I might get on board with the logic.... 

The Gremlins

I recently watched Gremlins. I’m a grown woman and found it to be pretty disturbing. I have seen it many times before, most of those occasions being in my childhood, but for some reason it wasn’t until this adult viewing that I realized just how violent and scary it really is. It has made my list of:

80’s Children’s Movies I Think are Inappropriate for Children
Watcher in the Woods
Dark Crystal

Return to Oz

Labyrinth
The Hugga Bunch Movie

Little Monsters

The Never Ending Story

Goonies

Peanut Butter Solution

Gremlins

Since we’ve all seen Gremlins, there’s need to go into its inappropriate violence and scariness. But I do want to talk for a minute about one thing: the complete and utter disregard people in this movie have for the fact that their town has been INVADED BY AN ANIMAL SPECIES THAT DOESN’T EXIST!

Anyone?

First off, Billy’s dad sees a freaking “Mogwai” in a store and ends up kind of stealing it from a one-eyed-crazy-Asian shop keeper by paying off his grandson. I’m sorry, Billy’s dad, but do you really think this is a good idea? To steal an animal/alien you know NOTHING ABOUT?! Then when the shop keeper’s grandkid tells him the three rules of caring for the Mogwai, Billy’s dad is like, “yeah, cool.”

Um, did we not think to try to find out WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BREAK THE RULES?! Maybe I’m just super anal-retentive or something, but if I was stealing an ALIEN and was given only three rules about how to care for said ALIEN, I think I might start asking some questions. Here’s some I can think of right off the top of my head:

- Are these RULES or SUGGESTIONS?

- What happens if it is exposed to bright light?

- Is it up to date on its shots?

- What happens if it gets wet?

- What does it eat?

- Has it killed anyone?

- WHAT THE HELL IS IT?!

- How big will it get?

- IS IT DANGEROUS?

- What happens if you feed it after midnight?!

- How long “after midnight” is considered NOT “after midnight?” 2 hours? 10? Please tell me SPECIFICALLY BETWEEN WHAT HOURS I can feed it.

- How old is it?

- Does it have rabies?

No, no. Billy’s dad just packs up the Mogwai and hands this unrecognizable, furry but potentially dangerous creature to Billy, and Billy is like “Neat, thanks Dad!” Um..hey, Billy, since we know your dad is a little crazy, maybe let’s put that noggin to good use and ask some tough questions (see above). But no, Billy just takes the Mogwai, names it Gizmo and hangs out with it, sings songs with it, watches TV with it and talks to it.

That’s cool and all….until he GETS IT WET, at which point, Gizmo begins to pop furry hairballs from his back that morph into more Mogwais. Yeah, Billy should be more concerned about this…I would personally feel fear and probably try to figure out what exactly I’ve got going on.

Not Billy though. Nope, Billy’s ever-rational reaction to this is not to CALL NASA or ANIMAL CONTROL, but to take one of the Mogwai-balls to his high school science teacher for evaluation. Good move Billy. Way to get in touch with a professional.

Now, by this point in the movie, probably a dozen people in the town have seen at least one Mogwai, yet none of them think a Mogwai is out of the ordinary enough to CALL SOMEONE AND GET HIM CHECKED OUT. I can understand maybe Billy didn’t want to lose his precious Gizmo-pet, but since we know that we can make more Mogwais, how about maybe just get a dropper out, make some new Mogwais, box them up and send them somewhere like the CDC or PETA. Keep ‘ol Gizmo in the closet in his box when Homeland Security comes knocking and you’re good to go.

Let’s put it this way: I once saw a Llama, and I stared at it for about ten minutes contemplating if it was some kind of a short furry giraffe, or a stretched out sheep.  Maybe a deformed horse? I began to be concerned that there was a radiation problem in the area…but a little internet research and BOOM! I have a Llama, no need for concern. This is about ten minutes longer than ANYONE in that town spent trying to determine what a Mogwai/Gremlin was.

It’s not until these Mogwais get fed after midnight (again…a little time frame would be nice) and go from furry creatures to cocoons to crazed-green-murdering-monsters (Gremlins) that people are fearful. And these people only seem fearful because they are being attacked, not because they are BEING ATTACKED BY MONSTERS. Even though Gremlins are terrorizing the town, no one has thought to CALL SOMEONE other than the local police, who, by the way, are already handily being killed by Gremlins.

I’m pretty sure the people in that town would regard an El Camino with more concern than the Mogwais/Gremlins. “Is it a truck? Is it a car? What is it? Should we maybe call someone….?”

For instance….let’s say I’ve just killed a Gremlin in my microwave. Once the terror dies down, and I’m pretty sure I’m not under attack by anymore Gremlins, I think I’m going to go ahead and call the EPA. And the Secret Service. And Terminex.

Then I will call Anderson Cooper, and we’ll get this whole mess sorted out. You know…maybe figure out WHAT THE HELL A GREMLIN IS!?

If this had happened in “modern times,” rather than the 80’s, that crap would have been all over YouTube, and the feds would have been in that town faster than you could say “Area-51.”

Yet somehow, the town manages to get this Gremlin thing under control without the National Guard, and all the monsters are dead except Gizmo. Then the one-eyed-crazy-Asian shop keeper comes to take Gizmo away, saying that Western Society is not prepared to care for Mogwais. Hey, one-eyed-crazy-Asian shop keeper, I think maybe it has less to do with Western Civilization and more to do with the fact that you kept a pre-Gremlin in a box in your shop and he was easily thieved and fairly susceptible to turning into multiple Gremlins.

I’m not sure how any other ‘civilization’ is going to do much better…except that maybe they’d be better at contacting the proper authorities if they saw a couple dozen Gremlins murdering people in their village?  Maybe civilizations other than the Western one would just keep him in the box, and that makes Western Society bad?

I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Gizmo was allowed to watch TV.

The Scapegoat

It’s time for the NCAA and take some responsibility.

Once again, we are looking at a huge investigation on a football program that has just taken home the national title. Yahoo!Sports broke the article about a week ago and already we have lost focus on the actual investigation and have begun to focus on an issue that shouldn’t be an issue.

Paul Dee. The hypocrite. The infractions judge and jury. The man with the clever lines and high morals regarding accountability of athletic departments when it comes to program and player violations.

Instead of focusing on the infractions at University of Miami, we are now talking about former Athletic Director Paul Dee and some of the famous judgments he has handed down with tag lines like “You have to put in place the kind of institutional control we have at Miami" and "At least at the time of the football violations, there was relatively little effective monitoring of, among others, football locker rooms and sidelines, and there existed a general post game locker room environment that made compliance efforts difficult. This case strikes at the heart of the principles of amateurism.”

“It’s your job to know,” is one of his more eloquent scoldings, given to USC for violations veeery similar to the ones being investigated at the University of Miami now for a time frame when Dee was the sitting AD. Now, when asked about Nevin Shapiro, he is says "We didn't have any suspicion that he was doing anything like this. He didn't do anything to cause concern." Um, wasn’t it your job to know a booster that you had the police escort around to the sidelines and the practices was buying your players hookers, diamonds and abortions (oh my!)?

So, I too stopped thinking about the investigation itself and got wrapped up in this sidebar. In fact, I started writing a post about it, about the hypocrisy and the injustice…blah blah...but I kept getting stuck on one thing: Dee was the Athletic Director at the University of Miami in 1995 – when it was uncovered that the football program used fraudulent applications to secure over $200,000 in federal Pell Grants, and also gave out over $400,000 in improper benefits to the players.

...yes, the injustice. It really got me thinking that it’s time for the NCAA to step up like a big boy and take some responsibility.

Why has the NCAA has allowed a former Athletic Director - who was active at the time of a major violation at his university - to be so highly involved in a committee that he is actually handing down judgment and punishment to other programs?  Had Paul Dee not been the one scolding these programs for violations, we might actually be focusing on the actual investigation happening right now at Miami, not the fact that this particular former AD is a hypocrite.

I think Paul Dee and any other board member with a direct affiliation to confirmed major violations need to be removed immediately from their positions.  I believe the NCAA needs to apologize to the programs Paul Dee publicly shamed with his 'integrity speeches'. 

I think they also need to clean up their organization and focus on prevention.  The only way to prevent schools, coaches, administrators, agents, parents, boosters and athletes from continuing to violate the rules is to hand down harsher punishments that reach outside of college: 

Coaches at dirty programs shouldn't be allowed to go coach in the pro leagues, at least for some kind of  probationary period.   

Parents on the take need to go jail and the kids need to incur penalties - maybe the kid didn't know, and that's tough luck for the kid, but the only way to stop the parents is to set the precedent that the kid's future earnings will be compromised. 

Athletes shouldn't be able to leave their school in the wake of a scandal to compete at the pro level. 

Schools that get busted on infractions need to have penalties that include both the seasons in violation and future games. 

Adults who give inappropriate benefits (you know, the grown ups that know better) should be fined or spend time in jail.

The NCAA needs to fix this from the inside out - stop using scapegoats and excusing violating universities who 'didn't know' what was going on.  I agree with Paul Dee, if you'll believe it:  it's your job to know and if you don't, then a penalty may be just what your organization needs to get to a point that they do know what's going on.  These universities make enough money off their athletic departments to be able to hire lots of people to keep track of that little stuff.  Otherwise, where does it end?

But if we have any hope that the system will change, the NCAA needs to put their big boy pants on and deal with it. Until they do, college programs and the people associated with them will continue to push the limits until they reach a breaking point.  And when the system finally breaks, it will be impossible to repair.

I'd rather settle things on the field than in arbitration.

The Dan Dan Convention: Addendum A

The summer after the National Championship game against USC, we attended another Dan Dan Convention (Dallas Longhorn Club meeting), with featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams.  True to our experience with these season kick-off meetings, it was filled with Dan Dans, and featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams gave vague reports on the players and upcoming season. 

I'm pretty sure featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams remembered me from our first Dan Dan Convention, when we arrived late and had to cross in front of him while he gave his presentation. Which he did not like.

In fact, that was when he first began to despise me.

So at this particular Dan Dan Convention, we made sure to arrive on time and were seated before he began his speech.  I can't tell you any of what you said, because I was preparing myself for the Q&A.  I had a question to ask featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams. 

The Q&A began, and though my hand was raised on every question attempt, featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams did not call on me.  He would look straight at me, then look away.  He was not interested in my question, and held off calling on me until he had no choice.

When he finally acknowledged my raised hand, I dropped the bomb. "Can you tell me how much longer Greg Davis will remain the Offensive Coordinator at Texas?"

The room was instantly divided into two factions: Dan Dans and Everyone Else. The Dan Dans began to glare and me and grumble.

"....well he just won us a national championship..."

"....silly girl, she doesn't know what she's talking about...."
"....he's done a fine job with our quarterbacks...."
"....the NERVE!"
"....we've never had a better offense...."

Everyone Else began to nod and swiveled their heads to look at featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams for an answer.  My people, the Everyone Else knew that Greg Davis was running on borrowed time.  The Everyone Else and I looked expectantly at featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams.

Featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams stared me down from his podium.  I didn't flinch.  I wanted my answer.

"Greg Davis has a job at Texas as long as he wants it."  He might as well have called me "little girl" while he was at it, because the look on featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliam's face showed very clearly that he didn't care for my question.

I'll rant about Greg Davis in another post.  But I did not like this answer.  I found it upsetting that no one else was asking the question or making the point that Greg Davis had been lucking out since he came to Texas, with Ricky Williams, Major Applewhite and Vince Young making plays on the field despite him.

Featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams was an example of this blind loyalty to a flawed coaching staff that was getting the job despite their best efforts.  He and the Dan Dans were unwilling to look at what was happening on the field, play by play, and were basing success on wins and losses.  This is not a long option for success, and it would take only one quarterback without the "it" factor to expose our major weakness, making us vulnerable to every defense in the nation.  I don't like our major weakness being exposed to every defense. 

As I sat back down, the Dan Dans all turned away from me in disgust and the Everyone Else gave me approving glances and mental high-fives.  We knew it was coming. 

It was January of 2010 when that weakness peeked out and it was the 2010 season when it was fully exposed.  Greg Davis has since "retired" and we're starting off with a brand new pair of Offensive Coordinators.  I guess it's true that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can claw your way out of the ditch.

And the Dan Dans cried....

The Slap

I have no willpower. So naturally when a new reality show “Most Eligible Dallas” came on Bravo, I HAD TO WATCH IT! Don’t judge me, I’m already pretty disappointed in myself. One of the cast members is Matt Nordgren, former University of Texas quarterback and special teams place holder. Here is his University of Texas football career in a nutshell:

Passing: 8 for 14 / 60 Yards / 1 INT / 0 TDs
Rushing: 17 attempts / 79 Yards / 1 TD

The show chronicles Matt and five of his closest friends as they navigate the Dallas social scene. If you ask them, they will tell you they are very well known and quite in-demand. During one scene, a cast member noted that it’s nice to have a meal “just them” and in order to keep hordes of people from bothering them during dinner they had to dine in a restaurant closed to the public to accommodate their privacy.

Look, maybe I need to get out more, but I do not know who any of these people, aside from Matt Nordgren are – and though I know his name, there’s no way I would recognize him on the street or in a dimly lit club. One of them chooses to not do anything for himself, instead he will  “push a button” and have a concierge do it for him. I have a hard time believing these people can’t have dinner without being accosted by social wanna-be’s...but I digress.

After taking a shower to cleanse myself of the show, I got to thinking: If I could slap only one former Texas Quarterback in the face, who I would like to slap more: Chris Simms or Matt Nordgren?

Here are some reasons I would choose to slap Matt:
1. Since Matt lives in Dallas, I see it more as of a vague possibility than a hypothetical scenario.
2. Matt said these words "Why do one on five, when you can grab one buddy and do two on 15?" Nice one.
3. I heard that Matt recently dated former ‘bachelorette’ Vienna. This is not okay.
4. If the show is filming Matt would be less likely to slap me back.
5. Chris Simms broke his spleen and had to have it removed and that’s a bummer.
6. Also, I booed Simms that one time at the BIG XII Championship in 2001, and I still feel kind of bad about that.

Here are some reasons I may consider slapping Chris:
1. Matt’s bio at company’s website says “Mr. Nordgren was the first person in NCAA University of Texas Football history by graduating with two degrees in 3 ½ years while maintaining high honors, Dean's List and lettering in football.” Besides the fact that this is not a structurally sound sentence, I think this is really impressive. I didn’t graduate in 3½ years and I certainly didn’t make high honors or the Dean’s list at any point.
2. I heard Chris Simms say in an interview that he wanted to “win his superbowls when his kids were young enough to enjoy them”. Hmmm.
3. Chris probably can’t run as fast, since the spleen removal, so maybe I could run away immediately after the slap.
4. Chris doesn’t have cameras on him, so there’s less probability of it ending up on YouTube….or in the hands of the prosecution.
5. A girl Matt dates on the show has a one-year old son named Major, which is AMAZING!
6. Chris doesn’t live in Dallas, so the actuality of having to follow through on a slap is much smaller. Less jail time.

I guess it’s a wash*. Since there’s not much news about Chris Simms these days and I don’t plan on watching “Most Eligible Dallas” ever again I likely won’t settle this internal debate. Hopefully this football season, I won’t be adding any more candidates to the list.


*I made sure the lists were even, so it would be a wash.  I would never have the guts to actually slap either one of them.  Maybe I would throw a drink in their vague direction...maybe.  I'm more of a big talker. And mostly I'm a big wimp, and I really don't think I'm cut out for jail.

The Safety

I'm not going to lie to you.  If we play the way we played last year, it's entirely possible Rice will beat us in our season opener. At home.

The only saving grace I have is that Greg Davis is gone, and the entire stadium doesn't know every play he's about to call.

Also, Andrew Sendejo, un-drafted safety from Rice on the 2011 Dallas Cowboys roster just made the following comment.  ON THE RADIO:

"They say nine out of ten women in Texas are beautiful....and that the tenth one goes to Rice."

And.....scene.

Nice Hooters!

The Ego

As college football season nears, I'm hearing a lot of talk about ego.  Particularly the ego of the Texas Longhorns.  I know I live in my own bubble, and my viewpoint may be skewed, but when Nebraska and Colorado left the Big XII last year, it always seemed to come back to Texas:

....But Texas doesn't share conference revenue evenly.
....But Texas wants it's own TV network.
....But there are rumors Texas is going to the PAC 10
....But Texas is greedy.

Wait - didn't Nebraska repeatedly vote against more equal revenue sharing when they were in the Big XII?  It doesn't matter.  Texas is evil.  

Now here we are, three weeks from the season and Texas A&M is working to claw it's way out of the Big XII.  And here again, it all comes down to ego - Longhorn ego? 

I'm hearing the Aggies want to go to the SEC to compete in a more competitive conference.  Okay - hey, I hear ya!  The BCS has had 12 Championship games since it's inception, and in those 12 games, the SEC has competed in seven of them.  Wait - hasn't there been another team with seven BCS Championship game appearances?! Oh yeah, it was the Big XII...yet A&M has been there nonce.

Since the inception of the Big XII, Texas A&M has won one Big XII Championship and played in one BCS bowl. They have not won more than 9 games in a season since the new millennium. They have lost five consecutive bowl games (including their single BCS bowl appearance).   I don't get why A&M wants to leave a conference where they are on middle of the ladder to go to one where they are on the bottom rung.  Assuming that A&M were to land in the SEC, they'd likely fall in the SEC West, where two of the six teams are in the top five and five in the top 20. Yikes. Pretty lofty for a team that hasn't finished in the top 10 since the late '90's.  

Then there's money.  I don't pretend to know all the details of the revenue sharing in the Big XII, but I am pretty sure that the Big XII voted unanimously (Texas included) to change revenue sharing to make it more equal among the teams, now 76% equal sharing (up from 57%) with the remaining 24% allocated based on TV appearances, which is scaled to the importance (ie, conference championship, tournament, CWS or BCS/national game/championship) of the event.  If this was about money, why didn't A&M oppose the vote and propose a new %? Oh, I think it was because with this vote, they got more money.    The SEC has equal profit sharing.  I guess that's good for the teams that are on TV less. Why did A&M join a conference without equal profit sharing in the first place? The Longhorns come off as greedy but everyone signed the same contract.  I'll bet that deal didn't look as good to Texas when they were 4-7 & 5-5...back when the Big XII started.

Also, didn't A&M (along with Texas and Oklahoma) agree to divvy up a portion of the $2 million dollars each that the little guys (Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State, Missouri and Baylor) gave up when Colorado and Nebraska left the conference in order to pacify the big three into staying?  Where was the equal revenue sharing love then?  But it's Texas who is the greedy team. Eeeevil. 

Don't even get me started on recruiting.  Texas A&M is going to the SEC to get better recruits?!  Do they realize that by opening up the state to the SEC, they are now going to go from what, getting the 2nd or 3rd most recruits out of  the state of Texas to getting even less recruits out of Texas? Florida?! Alabama? Georgia? LSU! Let's think this through, guys.  A high school football player good enough to get recruited to one of these schools, or Texas or Oklahoma for that matter, could easily go to A&M if that's what they wanted.  I'm not trying to be mean, but  I don't think that going to a 'better' conference to be the 3rd worst team is going to help your recruiting. 

Of course there is the Longhorn Network. Though I can't get my hands on an actual quote, I believe that a few years ago, when the idea of the Longhorn Network was still a baby, DeLoss Dodds went to Bill Byrne with the idea of a network called "The Flagship Network" featuring Texas and Texas A&M sports.  Byrne rejected the idea, saying it was not a good fit for Texas A&M.  Again, I don't know all those details, but I do know this happened.  Additionally, word is that A&M doesn't have a problem with Texas having it's own network in theory, but feels it's "unethical" to have high school football games on TV in such a manner?  Now that this portion of the LHN is off the table, why the hate?   A&M is welcome to have their own network: whether they can't get it done or don't care to, why hold it against Texas?  I doubt when an SEC team follows suit the reaction will be so vehement.  The Longhorns may be the first with their own network, but they won't be the last - this will be irrelevant, of course, because at that point it won't be about Texas and their big ego.  It will be standard for top tier programs.

University of Texas football topped profit topped just under $70 million last year. PROFIT!  $16 million more than the #2: Georgia.  This is in a year when Texas was 5-7.  Texas A&M netted $25 million.  Not too schnarky, Ags, that's 18th in the nation.  For a football team averaging 7.6 wins over the last 15 years, that's pretty darn good.  In fact it's better than 102 other teams in the FBS.  Why not stick with the Big XII, with four of it's ten teams (five of twelve if you consider that Nebraska, #13 was included in these 2010 stats) ranked in the top 20 in profits, especially knowing that with only 10 teams from this season on, the number can only grow?  There's only one good reason: Ego.

But not ours.

The Longhorns have never made apologies for trying to be the best.  And when they're the not the best, they're trying to make corrections to be the best.  Texas has a lot of pride.  They don't pretend otherwise.

And they also aren't the ones running.  A&M needs to be honest about the reasons the want out of the Big XII.  They don't want to be third to Texas or Oklahoma anymore. They'd rather be 8th somewhere else.  And that's okay.  A&M was 4-1 against the Big XII South last year, but 2-3 against top 25 teams. The last time they squared off against an SEC team they got squashed by LSU. 

I think the Aggies have a little bit of a bruised ego - their best season in 10 years and the only way they can get any attention is to talk about leaving the conference?  On top of that, the only reason the rumors got any momentum is because Rick Perry made the comment not to comment.

The reason no one is talking about A&M's best season in the last ten years is because besides being awesome for them, it's nothing to talk about.  9 win season? Oklahoma has won less than 10 games only twice in the last 10 years.  Texas only once. 

Changing conferences won't change that.  Changing your program is what's going to change that.  Consistent 10 + win seasons are going to change that.  Top 5 recruiting classes are going to change that.  Teams like Texas and Oklahoma (not to mention Alabama, LSU and Florida) didn't build these programs overnight.  I remember the 80's and most of the '90's.  They weren't pretty, but they were ours.

I'd be sad to see the Big XII fall apart, but A&M needs to do what's best for them, in the same way the 'Horns do what's best for Texas. If A&M wants to go and be their own team, make a name for themselves outside of the Big XII and separate of the Longhorns, I wish them well. I just wish they'd admit the real reasons they want to go.

But I guess that's just my Longhorn ego.

The Dress

This whole scuttlebutt (which we’ve been through twice now) about Texas A&M leaving to go to the SEC is a perfect illustration of why you shouldn’t buy a dress until you’ve actually been asked to go the prom. 

I'm just saying!

The Pharmacy

I think it should take a special kind of person to work in a pharmacy. The deal is, if I’m going to a pharmacy to get some kind of medicine and I’m not some kind of druggie, it’s probably fairly important to me that I get this particular medicine. I think a pharmacist should be sensitive to this, and react to their customers with some kind of understanding.

Apparently at the “SVC” pharmacy, the hiring manager does not share this sentiment.

In the last two years, my sister Kacie has become increasingly irritated with the SVC by her house. Dear sweet Kacie has only one prescription which she fills monthly, and somehow every month the SVC manages a severe malfunction at some point in the prescription filling process. Every few months, I will listen to a tale of how the SVC has failed her again with a new feat of incompetence.

I have personally been an SVC customer for over 10 years. When she would tell her tales, I would think “Wow! I’ve been going to the SVC for a pretty long time, and I’ve never had a particularly notable bad experience. I’m sure she’s exaggerating.” In fact, Kacie and I once went to her SVC together. She was thrilled for the chance to show me the circus that went on when she tried to fill this prescription. “Just wait!” she told me, excitedly as we made our way through aisles of “as seen on TV” products and wine. “Finally you’re going to see what I have to go through!”

We hopped up to the counter. I love a good meltdown (when it’s not mine) and was excited to see Kacie go nuts at the pharmacy. She was all riled up and just waiting to see what they would mess up this time. True to the law of averages, the transaction was perfectly smooth. The pharmacist smiled pleasantly as he retrieved her prescription and seamlessly rang her up. “Here you are, ma’am! Have a nice day.” Kacie was not happy. “Of course they get it right, the ONE TIME I bring someone to see. Of course. That’s. Just. Great.” I just laughed, as the encounter reaffirmed my suspicion that all these years of SVC drama had been exaggerated.

But then…

About three months ago, I was scolded at the counter at the SVC for not refilling my prescriptions online. How dare I walk into a pharmacy and ask for a refill?! In an effort not to upset my pharmacist, you know, because he gives me drugs and I take them, I went to SVC.com and set up my profile. I did not want to be murdered poisoned-80’s-Tylenol-style.

This is where the trouble started. I created a profile using a label from one of my prescriptions. When I was all logged in, I noticed my name was not quite right. Instead of First- Last- Middle, it was Middle-First-Last. Also, my address was wrong – citing an apartment I lived in about six years prior. Upon further investigation I saw that my prescription history was missing some important data.

The next time I went to the SVC, I tried to explain the situation. Because I am a control freak, I keep the all the small cards attached to my prescriptions in my wallet, in case I am in a terrible accident or a policeman wonders why there is something in my system resembling speed. At the counter I pulled them all out and it was discovered that I had two profiles set up in the system. I asked them to consolidate the profiles so I could properly manage my account online. They said they would.

They did not.

The next incident was regarding my (gasp!) birth control prescription. When I picked up the second pack, I noted the pharmacy had me down for only two more refills. I know this isn’t right. I ask the pharmacist to pull up the actual script to investigate. Turns out the script was written so that I could get three months at a time with three refills. I asked the SVC to change it in their system so I could get all 12 packs. They explained they would have to call the doctor to confirm. I explained that it was written plainly on the script and they could just change it in the system. Oh no, the SVC is too good for that.

I ask for my refill, and they tell me the prescription is now on hold until they contact the doctor. The pharmacist has the gall to tell me “It has only been 21 days since your last pickup, you don’t need it yet.” It took all my restraint to not tell the pharmacist where he could shove his pill counter. I tried to stay calm “I would like it now.” The pharmacist refused.

The next day I was at the doctor picking up my monthly script for my Adderall, as well as a new script for sleeping medication. I asked if the pharmacy had called regarding the birth control. They hadn’t, but the doctor promised to call that day.

The next day I went to the SVC to pick up the Adderall, sleeping meds and birth control. Take a wild guess at what happened. The birth control had been corrected, but now was under the second profile, so of course they couldn’t find it. The sleeping medication was being held up by some insurance process and the Adderall prescription, which I can only get every 30 days was two days early.

They handed me back the Adderall script “we don’t want to lose it.” They told me. I was so confused! Why would they lose it? If I’m taking drugs to correct my ADD, don’t you think that perhaps I WILL LOSE IT?! I was frustrated, but decided to move on.

I now had to re-request the birth control, since they couldn’t find it under the old profile. It was as if I had never ordered it. I wanted to crawl behind the counter and get it myself. But I also didn’t want to get arrested.

I tackled the next one. I asked how much it would cost just to buy the sleeping meds outright without insurance. It was some crazy amount like $18 thousand dollars (okay, maybe it was like $300, but still….) I settled on dropping $50 bucks to buy 5 measly pills to get me through the next few days. You cannot put a price on a good night’s sleep. The pharmacist said they would call me when the insurance issue was settled.

They did not.

Finally I went back to the SVC to check on it. It doesn’t take a psychic to guess that it had been filled and they had, indeed, not called me.

They pulled the sleeping meds and – I know, you’ll never believe it – the birth control was nowhere to be found. I tried to turn in the Adderall script, since it had now been the proper amount of days. The pharmacist yelled out loudly from the back of the pharmacy “That’s on back order!” I tried to remain calm and asked “when do you expect it in?”

“We don’t control the inventory!” he screamed at me. “It could be four days, it could be four months!” Uh, okay.

“Can you take the prescription and call me when it’s in? If it’s backordered, no one has it, right?”

“NO ONE HAS IT! IT’S BACKORDERED! WE CAN’T KEEP THAT! WE MIGHT LOSE IT!” Other customers are starting to stare.

Again with the losing it…what the heck?! Are you that terrible at keeping important documents? I know you’re bad at reading them, but I thought this was a safe place. Again, I was left to implore that perhaps the affliction that causes me to need Adderall might prevent me from keeping good track of its cure.

I put the script back in my purse and reached out for the sleeping medicine. I noticed on the label it said I had only one refill. The script was written for 30 days and two refills. “Ok, why does this say I have only one refill?” I asked the woman about to ring me up.

She tapped away at the computer and told me that I had already filled one a week earlier. “I only got five,” I explained. I should have 55 available after I take this bottle.”

“No.” she told me. “You just have one refill left.”

That was enough. I lost my cool. I huffed at the woman behind the counter “I am transferring all of my prescriptions from here. This SVC is HORRIBLE.”

She stared blankly at me, probably tying to calculate in her head how many days I had gone without sleep based on the SVC’s fuzzy math regarding my sleeping pills.

“YOU!” I pointed at the head pharmacist! “You act like you’re doing me a favor by letting me get my prescriptions filled here. I’m sick of it! I’m NEVER coming back here again!”

I turned back to the woman behind the counter and picked up the pen to sign for the one prescription they had managed to fill.

“Do you still want this one?” She asked me. She was making an innocent face but I could hear a snarky tone in her voice.

(When telling this story to Kacie, who was thrilled that I, too, now hated the SVC, she says she imagines it is at this point that I rip open my own head and a demon comes out where my face used to be. I thought it was more of “I have turned into a grizzly bear and you are a camper, and I have just happened across you taking a nap cradling a jar of honey coated bear food.”)

My eyes widened in rage. “Yes, I want it!” My tone was eerily calm as I paid and left the store.

Because I am such a crazy person, I left the SVC and went straight to the Target up the road. At the pharmacy counter, I explained that I wanted my prescriptions transferred from the SVC up the street. I wrote down all the names and address for which they had me listed, and they made copies of the little cards in my wallet to be sure they had all the information.

I handed them my Adderall script and asked if they had any. The nice pharmacist said that indeed, they had just gotten them in. Unlike at the SVC, the Target pharmacy had noticed a backorder trend in the last few months and ordered extra.

So refreshing. I have found a new pharmacy home: Target. We have gone two weeks a the fabulous Target pharmacy without incident. Life is amazing.

While I was telling this story, Kacie mentioned to me that most recently, the doctor had specifically written her script for no generics. Of course, when Kacie was finally able to acquire the medicine from the SVC, it was generic. When she asked about it, the oh-so-competent SVC pharmacist told her “it doesn’t really matter, they’re really the same, it’s just a suggestion.”

Kacie has much more control than I do. She took it and decided to sort it out before the next month, though she did eyeball them and say “just give it to me” with a classic, “exhausted look” on her face. It’s a family weapon that has served us well over the years.

I told Kacie, that at this point in my journey with the SVC, that if that had been me, I would have ripped open the prescription at the counter and just started eating them all at once, asking “oh, so these instructions are just ‘suggestions too?!’ It’s the same if I just take them all right now?! Can I have some water?”

Kacie asked that if I was going to do that to please call her first so she could come and watch.

I’d love to oblige but doubt I’d have the forethought. It’s okay....she can review the scene over the security cameras when she comes to get me out of jail.

The Dan Dan Convention

It was August of 2005 when Kacie, Debra and I attended our first Dallas Longhorn Club meeting. We had no idea what to expect, but were certain that any club with the word Longhorn that had meetings about football was probably right up our alley. We figured it would be a nice excuse to meet some nice Longhorn boys, talk a little football and have a few drinks.

With a bit of trepidation, we rolled up to Andrew’s Distributing, near the medical district in Dallas. This should have been our first clue that we were about to embark upon something…special. We spend a little time in the parking lot trying to decide if we were in the right place, so by the time we arrived at the meeting, it was already in progress. 

In other words, we were late. This didn’t bother us terribly, as in our experience; this type of event generally would begin with mingling and cocktails.

Wrong.

When we rolled up to the proper room, the door was closed. This was a bad sign, and before entering, we felt it necessary to do a little recon. Understandably, this is difficult in a closed room. As designated information-getter I opened the door, just a crack to peek inside.

This was a terrible mistake.

The door squeaked loudly as I opened it. Too loudly. “Looooook Aaaaaat Ussssss” it squealed. All action in the room stopped as every person in the room obeyed it’s command. As every head swiveled in my direction, I had about two seconds to evaluate the room. At this point there was no turning back, we had to go in.

In those brief seconds I discovered the room was arranged in such a way that a quick slip into the back was impossible. Before pushing the door open all the way, I turned to Debra and Kacie and gave them a look that said “we’re doing this, get your game face on.” Being brave Longhorn soldiers, we did just that.

Did I mention the room was not forgiving of a late-person slip in?

Once we were in the door we had to proceed to the sign in table. We were really trying to be quiet. I desperately tried to think ahead to the next move. There wasn’t really standing room in the back, and there was not enough room between featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams and the bar to get to the random empty seating behind him.

As I mentally executed our next steps, the gentleman taking our money handed us our name tags said “Welcome! We could use some pretty faces in here.” It was at this moment that Debra had a chance to really size up the room. This timing was unfortunate as it caused her to reply “yeeees.” It wasn’t until a bit later that I understood this slightly offensive answer.

Let me show you the awkward room layout:

On our way to the random seating detailed in the crude sketch, we had to cross directly in front of featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams. He glared at us as we walked between him and the punctual portion of the crowed. It was at that moment featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams decided to hate me. I would continue to aggravate this hatred every August at the Dallas Longhorn Club Football Kickoff for the next several years. But that’s another story.

One good thing about our random seating was that it provided us very easy access to the bar. It was also handy that we were at a perfect vantage point to size up the crowd. My hopes of meeting a cute, single future-husband Longhorn were dashed as I did a mental inventory of the 60 attendees: 3 women, 1 young man and 56 Dan Dans.

You ask me “What is a Dan Dan?” In this case, a Dan Dan is a grandfatherly aged man in a Longhorn polo shirt and khaki shorts. Still confused? Dan Dan is also what my sister and I call our own grandfather – a grandfatherly aged man often seen wearing a Longhorn polo shirt and khaki shorts. Our grandpa has always been known to us as “Dan Dan”, and our particular Dan Dan lives in Austin and loves the ‘Horns. Turns out the Dallas Longhorn Club consists of mostly Dan Dans.

Obviously this is not information we had beforehand.  But it is the reason why, from that day on, we have referred to this annual event as "The Dan Dan Convention."

When featured speaker, former Longhorn Coach David McWilliams had finished his presentantion, the Dan Dans and three Nan Nans (I’m assuming you’ve put together that the Longhorn loving wife of Dan Dan is my grandma Nan Nan) got up and began to mill around.

It was at this point that the one young man in the crowd (we’ll call him “Uncle Art”) started barreling across the room at us, knocking over several Dan Dans and a Nan Nan in the process. Poor Uncle Art. He wanted to make sure he was able to talk to the “pretty faces” in the room before we bolted.

Uncle Art, Debra, Kacie and I chatted well into the evening as the Dan Dans headed home. To this day, he remains a friend, and we owe it all to the Dallas Longhorn Club and featured speaker, former Longhorn Head Coach David McWilliams.

And of course, the Dan Dans.

The Dropper

Remember the episode of Friends, where they spend the day throwing a ball back and forth to see how long they can do it?  At one point, Monica tried to keep Chandler from the game by telling everyone "He's a dropper!"

Enter Roy Williams.  In his heyday at Texas, he never particularly impressed me.  I know, I know!  How good to do you have to be to impress me on the field at DKR?!  Sure, he was good.  Sure, he made some great catches.  There were moments of greatness.  But I just couldn't get on board...you can ask anyone who attended a game with me in his era, I always referred to him as "Dropsie."  This is how I see him when I close my eyes:

I know, it's pretty picky. I mean, for the love of God, when he left Texas, he was the all-time leader in receptions, receiving yards, and receiving touchdowns. He was on the all Big XII team three times.  A Cotton Bowl MVP!

Even though I was glad for him to come home to Texas and play for the cowboys, I still couldn't let it go.  I never found him particularly impressive in Jerry's house either.  He never did anything that made me say "Hey, I should stop probably calling him 'Dropsie'..."

I guess I'm not the only one who was unimpressed.  I was sad the Cowboys let him go simply because I was sad to see a Longhorn leave Texas.  I wish him success with any team he plays for, if for no reason other than making Texas look better as judged by their alumni.

Today on a Dallas talk-sports show, one the commentators, (he happened to be anti-Longhorn, but I'm not sure if this statement was motivated by this fact) actually referred to Roy Williams as "Radio."  I almost wrecked my car.

It just goes to show that no matter what name you're being called, there's probably someone lined up waiting to call you a worse one.

The Majestic

It is 6:00 am on a Saturday in October. You were up late last night, but you are filled with adrenaline and miraculously not feeling the effects of the beer you drank until 2:00 am. Your mind races over last night’s events. You and 30,000 of your closest friends made the trip North on I-35, set on a collision course with 30,000 of your sworn enemies who headed South on the same road. For 200 miles you ran through the strengths and weaknesses of your team. When you stopped in West for gas and a Czech Stop kolache, perhaps your mind traveled back to 2000, when the ‘Horns lost without scoring a touchdown. Or maybe you chose to remember 2005, when Vince ran up into the stands to be with his fans to share the victory and look forward to a national title. Whatever your mind wrapped around, your memories were certainly shaded in burnt orange.

The journey you made is the same one that has been made by Longhorns for just shy of one hundred years. Your heart swells with pride and tradition.

It is almost game day.

Once you settled into your hotel, you decided you couldn’t stay in the night before the game! You know that this Friday night, Dallas will be bursting with energy. Your taste buds water when you remember that dinner at Bob’s, or maybe Sonny Bryan’s, before your night on the town. After dinner, perhaps you perched on the top balcony of the Iron Cactus downtown, watching the live band while orange and red clad people, small as ants, roamed the streets below. Or maybe you were in the West End – wading among the throngs of people, riot police standing guard, shouting out your school song, ‘horns raised high. It doesn’t matter. Everything that happened yesterday was just a precursor to what’s going to happen today.

This is the day. Game day.

You get dressed carefully, putting on your lucky game day shirt & cowboy boots, gauging the weather. It’s a little cloudy right now, but like most overcast October mornings in Dallas, you figure the sun will burn the clouds away by game time. You tuck a flask in your boot and inventory your pockets: wallet? Check. Ticket? Check. Your breakfast mimosa goes down easy. You look around the hotel lobby and feel the electricity in the air. All around you, people are excited. Strangers in burnt orange are your best friends. Those in red, your mortal foes. But the only thing that matters is that it’s game day.

Your shuttle (or car, or taxi, or dart rail) drops you off outside the gates. Hundreds of people swarm around you as you make your way forward. As you hand your ticket to the gate keeper, she ushers you through and says “Welcome to the State Fair of Texas. Enjoy the Game.” Your heart races.

This is Texas/OU weekend.

Like an old familiar friend, Big Tex says hello. You hate to rush by, as it’s been a year since you saw your big 52 foot buddy. “Howdy!” he cries at you, inviting you to stay and chat. But all you can do is mutter at him that you like his new shirt as you cruise by. He’s looking pretty good for 59.

The air is filled with familiar smells. One whiff of corny dogs and cotton candy, and every memory you have of the Red River Shootout fills your head. The sounds of the Midway flood your senses. You are overwhelmed that today you get to go home, back to the House that Doak Built for a visit.

You find yourself on a mission: get to the food pavilion. You swiftly make your way through hordes of Longhorns and Sooners, stopping only to barter cash for the currency of the fair: coupons. Inside the pavilion, you go to that familiar spot. Your friends are already there, making a scene and stacking empty cups. As you bring that first sip of beer to your lips, you pause to bite down on the wax rim of the cup. “Yes”, you think. “It is game day.”

The pavilion is filled almost to capacity. The trash talk starts. Mostly friendly. Fans from both sides stand on benches and tables, leading their faithful in school songs and cheers. “Texas! Fight!” is rivaled with “Boomer! Sooner!” and for every ‘Horns Up is a ‘Horns Down. The crowd is getting excited. It’s game day.

You don’t need a clock to know when to go into the game. You judge time by the stacks of wax cups on the table and the movement of fans around you. Shouts get louder as you cross the short distance through the fair until it stands before you:

This is the Cotton Bowl. The Majestic.

Straining under crowds it could never have imagined, the Cotton Bowl invites you in. You race up the stairs! You can hardly contain your excitement! The fans around you are excited too. For the most part, the tension between the fans is kept to a minimum. It’s so close to kick-off that you don’t want to jinx the team or risk missing the game. You emerge through the section tunnel and into the sunlight.

This is the Red River Shootout.

The bands are playing their pre-game shows on the field. Big Bertha goes into a final spin as the Showband of the Southwest marches off the field, strains of “The Eyes of Texas” echoing after them. You look across the stadium and blink. Longhorns before you have witnessed this very scene in this very place for 80 years. As your eyes travel southward to the 50 yard line, the crowd changes color in a distinct line from orange to red. You look across the Sooner masses and eyeball that single tunnel leading out to the field.

This is game day.

Like you, thousands of fans clamor to their seats. You know not to expect the comforts of your home stadium…part of the beauty of this place is that everyone is on equal footing. Your shaded chair-backed seat at DKR is a distant memory as you cram into the benches with people you’ve never met. You hear what you think is thunder and glance at the sky (the clouds have, indeed burned off) only to realize the thunder is the sound of tens of thousands of feet, boot clad, stomping on the metal benches in anticipation of the teams’ arrival. Then you see them.

You don’t need to hear those first swells of “Texas Fight” to know your Longhorns have arrived. You cringe as they are booed through the tunnel, surrounded by Sooners, and wonder what is being thrown their way as they cross the South end of the stadium to the 50 yard line. Your heart races as the players run toward you, led by an American flag. The crowd is deafening as one by one the players and coaches hold up their ‘Horns before kneeling down in the North end zone for a moment of reflection.

Then they huddle up...they begin to jump up and down. You can’t help but join them, orange blood coursing through your veins. ‘Horns held high, you find yourself jumping with the rhythm of your heartbeat. Their heartbeat. One heartbeat.

‘Horns up. It's game time.

The Whistle Cop

While the country was embroiled in a heated political stalemate regarding the 2000 Presidential election, the Longhorn faithful were anxiously waiting to see if Mack Brown would lead the football team to a third 9 win season. We had our own controversy (Applewhite/Simms) to deal with, and a victory over our classic rival, the Texas A&M Aggies would make a nice addition to the long Thanksgiving weekend.

You probably remember the election I’m talking about. Don’t worry! I’m not going to get political. History Lesson: The 2000 Presidential election was marred by butterfly ballots in Florida. Because the ballots were confusing, there were many did not vote for who they intended, OR they double punched and/or aborted second punches, causing “hanging chads”. These hanging chads made the ballots invalid, as the intent of the vote was unclear.

This butterfly ballot chaos lasted two months, so on November 24, 2000 when the Aggies came to Austin, it was still quite the hot topic of conversation.

Being the savvy girl that I am – always with my finger on the pulse of the nation and a keen observer of current events – I decided the Texas A&M game would be the perfect opportunity to decorate myself with a sign that mirrored the times. (I can’t seem to find my sarcasm font. Assume the last paragraph was typed in a sarcasm font.)

I began to research butterfly ballots. I still don’t understand what the big problem was -while I concede that the design of the ballot wasn’t ideal, it just didn’t seem that confusing to me. There were arrows leading from the candidate to the corresponding hole. It didn’t require a compass, protractor or a slide rule to match the punch holes to the desired candidate.

(I’d like to interject a quick story from my childhood: When I was 10, my family and I moved to London for a year while my dad attended the Royal College of Defense Studies. While we stood in line to board the plane, the customs officer asked if anyone was carrying a weapon onboard. Unable to be a party to international safety violations, I started crying and confessed I did. Alarmed, my parents and the customs officer asked me to show them. From my carry on (which was my school backpack) I produced a compass. US customs and my parents tried really hard not to laugh as my math supplies and I boarded the plane. In my defense, those things are dangerous!)

But back to the year 2000. Armed with a picture of the butterfly ballot I began carefully crafting my game-day sign. Pleased with my cleverness, I added glitter and even solicited my uncle, who is a dentist in Austin, for some of those things he uses to clip the bibs to people while they’re in the chair so I could wear the sign around my neck.

The sign was complete. I could not wait for game day to wear it.

(I have recreated the general idea of the sign here, but assume more burnt orange and a lot of gold and orange glitter.)

Game day arrived. Kacie, Holloway and I got an early start, staking out seats at Sholz Garten to watch the Longhorn Sports Network pre-game show. As the morning turned into early afternoon, we passed the time chatting it up with other Longhorn fans and drinking very large cans of beer.

Even better than beer and football talk, was the fact that people LOVED MY SIGN. As intended, it provoked much thought and sparked lively commentary on the current political state of our nation. And by that I mean: it got me a lot of attention, which I enjoyed.

As kickoff got nearer, the burnt orange faithful began to make their way across campus en masse to the stadium.

As they do every game day, the Austin PD had officers at the intersections to direct foot and vehicle traffic. Like good citizens, we waited for our cue to cross MLK Blvd. When all street traffic had stopped, people began crossing MLK on the other side of San Jacinto.

Being full of beer from the garten and anxious to get to the game, I saw this movement from the corner of my eye and also began to cross the street. Unfortunately our traffic officer had not given us the go ahead to proceed. Everyone else managed to realize this, but it wasn’t until I had taken five or so steps that I realized my mistake.

The policeman, in an effort to stop me, came right up behind me and blew his whistle. Right. In. My. Ear. He was close enough to me to have placed a hand on my shoulder to stop my forward motion. He was close enough to say “Ma’am, you can’t cross yet.” Instead he chose to blow his whistle within 6 inches of my head.

I was startled so badly that I jumped straight up into the air like a cartoon character. This sudden movement caused my poor sign to begin flapping around me. I stood there stunned for a moment before walking back to the curb, head hanging (like a chad) in shame.

Just to make me feel bad, the moment I stepped back up to the curb, the policeman gave the motion for people to start crossing.

I was so sad. The saddest little butterfly ballot there ever was.

Fortunately, the people around me were quick to ease my embarrassment and confusion by assuring me that it was complete overkill for him to have reacted that way to my premature crossing.

Kacie and Holloway, though sympathetic, couldn’t stop laughing or reenacting the scene. I got to watch a pantomime of my shame over and over again.

Just when things were starting to look up, and the stadium was in view, I had another clash with authority. The stadium police wouldn’t let me inside with my sign on! My dreams of national TV exposure were dashed as I was told I could either keep the sign on and stay outside or throw it away and go in. Being ever faithful to the Horns, I took off my sign and laid it next to the trashcan.

But don’t feel too sad for me. The Horns won the game and we rounded out our third consecutive nine-win season. And when I left the stadium, the sign was gone. I hope it went to a good home.

To this day, I cross streets very cautiously, always assuming there is a whistle cop nearby.

And still, 11 years later, every time I vote I remind myself that I am lucky to live in a country where I have a voice. And, as I fill out my ballot, I remember that whistle cop and hear freedom ring. Right. In. My. Ear.