The Troll

I couldn't help myself.  After a glass (bottle, whatever) of wine, I was bored with re-reading the Texas over A&M glory articles on the major sports sites so I started reading message boards and comment threads on some Longhorn Football blog sites I visit from time to time.

This, of course, led me (out of some morbid curiosity) to move on to some A&M fan sites. 

Before we get started here, Urban Dictionary defines Trolling as:

Posting a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument

In my defense, I was merely an observer of these threads, not a Troll.  Still, I felt dirty and had to work VERY hard to control myself in order to simply remain an observer.  I decided that instead of trolling, I will share some of my favorite posts here on Adventures of a Football Girl: where the posters cannot defend themselves and I get to moderate the comments.  Forever Scoreboard!!

How can you love this face? Wait - I mean: "How
can you NOT love this face?"

Side note: Remember that movie Troll?  Not. Good.  This troll builds a troll garden-thing in the basement of an apartment complex, then posing as a little girl and using a ring of some sort turns the residents into trolls.  As terrible as the movie was, it lurks somewhere in the back of my mind on my list of "irrational property manager fears" along with face-poking tenants and birds flying into transformers.

Side-side note:  When I was a kid I had dozens of those troll dolls.  I loved them.  Looking back, I think I was jealous of those round little butts on some psychic level as a kid, like I somehow knew that as an adult I would lack my own. 

Anyway.  I have to give one thing to the Aggies I stalked through message boards.  They think their team is the best and they are proud of it.  The Texas fansites I visit can be posting minutes after a game and still be dogging our players and coaches, nit-picking all of the mistakes we made and/or could have made.  Often proclaiming that we shouldn't have won or won in spite of ourselves.

Not the best quality in a fan, but still better that pure dellusion.

Here are some of my favorite posts - and the comments I refrained from making.  Also note that any confusing words with random punctuation in them were likely phrased that way by me.  So I wouldn't get flagged by the department of Hom3land Sec#rity or PETA or something:

"tsips think a fluke win makes them relevant to us?  poor irrelevant and unwanted teasips." 

You are a marvel of punctuation!  There may be some that don't want us, but it's clearly not you, since you've devoted a message board thread to us.  Also, what (or who) determines what makes a win a fluke?  Precision between the goal posts?  A fifth 2nd half meltdown?  The top defense in the Big XII?  76-37-5 (67%)?  I feel like those things aren't flukes.

"Winning on Thanksgiving was the ultimate "Look at Me!" for the tsips. Now they are operating under the mistaken notion that we respect them, or want to read their posts, or will stop the relentless ridicule of them, their butter-toothed coach, their worthless NFL players, their butthead AD or their horrific, anti-Am3rican, anti-Christ!an, pro-t3rrorism agenda."

Uh...Those are some pretty strong accusations, Aggie.  Let's pull the focus back to the game...

"Clearly, the rare win has inspired the [sic], who now feel emboldened to seek our attention. Poor ga4, t3rrorism-loving, Plan II rac!sts."

Hmm.  Again, 67% isn't really 'rare', but I understand this Ag is upset.  But the rest?  Come on now.  I'm fairly certain there were more non-white people at my pre-game tailgate than in the entire A&M core.  I find it especially ironic that this ignorant post was for some reason directed at the Texas Honor Student population.  Weird.

"Congrats on having a losing record to A&M during your lifetime."

Huh?  I hate to admit this, but in my lifetime the series is tied at 16-16.  So...you must have been talking to someone else.

"One of these days the Longhorns are going to open a case on the Wildcats and this looks like a good time to do so, with literally dozens watching on the Longhorn Network."

Heh.  Okay, that was funny. 

"literally everyone in the college football world, including Vegas, ESPN, all the way down to your own city's newspaper knows A&M is the better team. If you've watched these teams all year and really believe that Texas is a better team than A&M, you're so delusional it's not worth arguing over."

Oh my gosh...is that you Matt Leinart? I think maybe this guy doesn't literally know the definition of literally.  I'm not sure how you can define either team as "better" since this year they were both mediocre at best.  Better pre-season rank?  A&M.  Better current rank? Texas.  Better record? Texas. Actual game winner? Texas. 

"If the Ags would have had Von this year, theyd have 11 wins right now. That is all they lacked. A defensive leader to prevent his team from 3rd quarter collapses." 

Yeah, I hear ya, Aggie Brother.  If we had VY or Colt back, or Fozzy for that matter, we would probably have 11 wins too.  But we don't.  So we'll settle for 7-4 (as of posting) and a win over you.

"You're an absolute moron, craving validation and trying to point to our dismal BOWL record. Unless the bowl is a big-time bowl, who f'n cares?"

Wait.  What?

"A Longhorn trying to minimize their record against A&M? I wonder why?"

Wait.  What?  I'm pretty sure we don't need to minimize our record, since we have more wins...and what's the deal with Aggies always trying to start the Texas/Texas A&M rivalry in 1974 - when the corp became co-ed?  Is that also the year the football team became un-coed?  Because that's the only reason I'm willing change the date of when the series began.

"...be honest, Texas fans: you are really happy with TCU and West Virginia? Really?"

Um, I'm not, but...YOU LEFT THE CONFERENCE.  We had spots to fill.  What's the beef?

"Misspelling Aggie in a way that still works phonetically is stupid. It's like calling someone "Jon" instead of "John." No difference." 

Okay, now really?  Pot, or kettle?  t.u.? Incorrect casing and reverse letter ordering is different?  C'mon.

"You've been an underdog the last couple games we've played, and your team is in terrible shape. Your program isn't even approaching anything close to "2008" level for quite a while, buddy. Our program is in much better shape than yours is. Point to the gift-wrapped game on T-Day all you want, but we all know the reality. The last thing you need is to play teams that are better than you by an even greater margin than we already are."

Bwah hahaha!  The last thing YOU need is to play teams better than you by an even greater margin than all but three teams in your current conference are.  2008?  Did he forget 2009, when we went to the BCS Championship game and won more games than in 2008? Since the Big XII started in 1996, A&M has had four season with 9+ wins, Texas has had 12.  A&M has had one 10+ win season in that time frame, Texas has had nine. I don't think a coach out the door (well, he would be if you could afford the $7 million dollar payout) after blowing double digit halftime leads in almost half your games puts your program in better shape than ours.   Aside from the head to head, and barring a loss to Baylor Saturday, Texas & A&M have lost to the exact same conference teams.  Does it make you feel better that "underdogs" beat you?  I don't understand that logic. 

Well, that was fun.  I had to 1) stop reading that stuff and 2) stop reading that stuff. 

With all this in mind, I guess I can't fault them.  Universtiy employees have basically condoned the name calling.  Bear in mind, this is the same message board where the A&M Athletics Department CFO, Jeff Toole, has called A&M President Bowen Loftin a "putz" and a "hopelessly underqualified puppet" under an annonymous handle.  Maybe not so annonymous anymore, he was outed by a fellow Aggie who researched Toole's post history until he found one from over a year ago where Toole had stated he was the "CFO of A&M Athletics"  Oh, Toole...honey.  Don't you know nothing is secret on the interwebs?   

(By the way: crazy researching message board guy, I applaud you!  That's Bird Dog-level searching.  We might have been soul mates...if you weren't an Aggie...) 

Still, I couldn't sum it up any better than Toole himself, when on the subject of coach Mike Sherman’s contract he posted, “I have to admit that the stupidity on this board always brings me back to the point that I know I’m not the dumbest (expletive) out there.”  Well Jeff, I'm not so sure.  

Clap.....clap....clap...clap..clapclapclap








 

The T-Shirt Fan: Addendum A

I decorated my Christmas Tree last weekend.  After rooting through my Christmas stuff I realized I need to amend my list of UT paraphenilia to include the following verse:

5 Texas Snowmen

4 Longhorn Ornaments

3 Burnt Orange Santa hats 

2 Texas Stockings

...and a Bevo underneath the tree.

The Ellipses . . .

The turkey has been eaten, my tree has been decorated and the final Lone Star Showdown (as we know it) has come and gone. And after 118 years, Texas and Texas A&M have said goodbye to their Thanksgiving, cross-state rivalry as Texas A&M moves on to the SEC, and Texas fills their spot on the schedule with a new Big XII team.

Tonight (as I sit down with a mug of cider - spiked, naturally - and a comfy burnt orange blanket) is not the night to talk about hurt feelings, politics or finger pointing about who’s leaving and why. Tonight I will take a break from all of that and just remember the rivalry at it’s finest. What memories have I taken away from the annual Texas / Texas A&M game? What stories will I tell my own children some day?

Going back in time the furthest, I remember sitting with my sister on my Great Grandmother’s living room floor, stuffed with turkey, watching the game with my Dan Dan’s family.

A few years later, my Mom, Dad, Sister and I huddled together on our couch in England, sometime in mid-December, watching a VHS recording of the game my Mom’s parents had sent to us. A little bit of home while we lived overseas.

Of course, how can I forget 1998? Will the defining moment of the series be when Ricky broke the record on the 20 yard line that fateful November day? Standing in the crowd with my family and 80,000 of our closest friends as the Heisman race narrowed further?

Maybe I’ll remember the candlelight vigil that Texas students held just one year later, in place of the annual Hex-Rally, to pay respects to the 12 people who died in the Aggie Bonfire collapse, or the University of Texas band removing their white cowboy hats in honor of the fallen, as they played Amazing Grace and Taps.

Of course, how can I ever forget last Thursday? Posing for a picture on the 50 yard line at Kyle Field, with my tailgate friends, elated, after a last second Texas victory - the final victory of it’s kind?

I don’t know. But I do know I’ll miss it. The rivalry ended quite dramatically, with charged emotions on both sides of the state. The tradition’s ending, and the bitter feelings that led to it’s demise are not what I want to remember.

I don’t want this Thanksgiving victory to be a punctuation mark at the end of a rivalry, unless maybe as an ellipses…a dot, dot, dot of what lie ahead for the series in the future.

I know it will never be the same. We can’t rebuild the house of cards that caused the rivalry to collapse. But maybe I’ll get to see a new kind of tradition rise from what cannot be undone.

Until then …

The Mascot Confusion

"Gundy..."

"Yes? Is that you, God?"

"No, it's T-Boone. T-Boone Pickens."

"Oh.  Hi."

"Mike, can you tell me what happened out there today?"

"Well, Mr. Pickens, we lost."

"To...?"

"Iowa State..."

"Mike, I thought I hired A MAN."

"You did!"

"I'm not happy.  We lost our #2 ranking."

"I know sir, but, well sir, we were hoodwinked!"

"How so?"

"Well, we knew we were playing the Cyclones, so we thought we for sure had them beat.  I mean, surely we're equiped to handle Cyclones.  We're from Oklahoma!"

"And?"

"Well, we show up to play and there weren't just Cyclones.  There were birds too.  Birds with teeth."

"And?"

"Well sir, it's just GARBAGE!  It was like we had to play the bird teeth team and not the cyclone team.  We could have beat the cyclone team.  Because we're totally prepared for tornadoes and stuff like that.  Cause we're from Oklahoma!"

"Are there birds in Oklahoma?"

"Well, yes, but we were looking for Cyclones!"

"Well, Mike..."

"I know Mr. Pickens! I'm sick about it! It MAKES ME WANNA PUKE!  But now we know.  Cyclones and teeth birds!"

"Sigh..."

The Wish List List

Have I mentioned that I feel fear every time Tucker punts the ball? I know he’s effective and all, but it just seems like a Charlie Brown kind of thing happening on the field each time he does it.

Anyway. With Black Friday nearing, I thought I would share a list of what some of our favorite College Football folks are hoping for this Christmas:

1. Mack Brown – I'm guessing he's probably hoping to find a quarterback under the tree. I don’t think he cares if it’s new or used, as long as it functions properly.

2. Lane Kiffin – I hear he’s been shopping for a new set of baggage. Oh, I’m sorry. I meant luggage.

3. The Longhorn Network – Still searching for just that perfect major cable provider.  Actually, probably any major cable provider will do.

4. Penn State – A time machine…I think I saw one in the Sky Mall catalogue last week. I know they've got the engineering department working on that flux capacitor.

5. Mike Sherman – I’m guessing he’s not wishing for anything new, but just hoping to hold onto a lead he already has.

6. Jim Tressel – I’d imagine Jim’s been scoping out some lessons on email etiquette. A must have for the holiday season.

7. Bob Stoops – On his list, like every year is a new visor. I think he stopped asking for a break even on BCS bowl victories.

8. ESPN – I think they’ve just added a time-delay to their wishlist. Too late? Aw, F@$% it!

9. Art Briles – He’ll be sitting on Santa’s Lap with just one wish…that RGIII sticks it out in Waco for one more year.

10. Rich Rodriguez – I heard he was in the market for a good quality, moisturizing sunscreen.

11. Gary Pinkel – People say they’re impersonal, but gift cards make nice stocking stuffers. Yellow Cab does gift cards, right?

12. Arkansas – A miracle, in the form of a few big upsets. But they’d like their present a little early…like December 3rd.

13. Urban Meyer – For this guy, less is more. He’s hoping that the holidays bring very few Ohio State NCAA sanctions.

14. Gary Patterson – he’s already gotten his wish…entrance into an AQ conference…The Big XII.

15. David Shaw – This Cardinal has made it clear the only thing he wants for Christmas is a playoff system.

The Week of Twelve

Now that I’ve gotten a little bit of frustration out of my system regarding last week’s game against K-State, I thought it might be fun to address some other College Football happenings for the last few weeks.

The one thing I’ve been avoiding here on Adventures of a Football Girl is the Penn State scandal. It’s hard to write about because everything up to this point is speculation, and he said/she said (or I guess in this case, he said/he said). That makes me nervous. It’s also hard for me to write about because it’s just so sad. I do have one strong opinion: If Joe Pa was fired for not going to the police, then McQueary should have been as well. Another opinion: Sandusky has the worst lawyer in the world. What would possess a lawyer to let his client do a phone interview with Bob Costas. Reality check, people! Regardless, the whole thing is…

…terrible. Much like a particular Kansas 1st quarter drive, in which they managed to move the ball backwards from the Kansas 49 for a Texas A&M Safety. When I saw the final score, A&M 61, Kansas 7, I was slightly fearful. But on closer inspection it appears that maybe Kansas, much like Texas this week, did a lot of the damage to themselves…as this particular five minutes of terror proves. Thursday night game between Texas and Texas A&M should be a real showdown of…

…mediocrity. Look, I’m not saying Texas is the pot of gold at the end of anyone’s rainbow. But, Oklahoma is looking less and less like a BCS leprechaun to me. Granted, Baylor is nothing to thumb your nose at, in fact, I think they get a lot less credit than they deserve, but letting Tech put up 600 yards of offense on you is…not okay. Yes, I know, three defensive starters were out…I feel ya, but as I’ve said of the Longhorns, you can’t recruit as well as we do and not have depth to adjust. That being said, how about them…

…bears! Taking down two of my favorite teams to loathe this year! First TCU then Oklahoma. And, probably next…us! But that’s okay, unlike last year, this season I’m fully expecting it. Hopefully I’ll be able to at least make my day a happier one by visiting Judge, the Baylor Bear who lives on campus in a habitat. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. The closest thing we have to that at Texas is the supposed burial of “pig,” the UT President’s deceased dog, underneath a random tree grate somewhere on the original 40 acres. I couldn’t tell you off-hand where his final resting place is, but I know I’ve happened upon it several times and recognized it immediately. I digress. I’m sure Art Briles has spent the last three days composing love letters to RGIII begging him to stay. I’d pay to get my hands on a list of promises he’s willing to make if Griffin will…

…stay put! The minute you turn that dial, you’re going to miss a moment of TV greatness. Somewhere between Michael Jackson’s hair catching on fire and his sister Janet bearing her lady parts at the Super Bowl, you can rank Lee Corso dropping the F-Bomb on College Game Day into great moments on TV that you could have missed with the blink of an eye. At the time of posting, you can still see Corso’s mini-meltdown on YouTube, but I don’t know how long that will last. Just know that it was everything you could have …

…dreamed. This is the season to dream big. Just ask Paul Rhodes. Who would have thought a team of tornados/birds-with-teeth would take down the #2 team in the nation? Oklahoma State seemed a little surprised to have gone down that way and rightly so. The rest of us sure were! Coming from a 24-7 deficit to win in double overtime?! Hello Cyclones. I’m glad to see them overcome their mascot confusion and pull together for the win. The bowl eligible Cyclones still have the other Oklahoma to play this weekend, but should be proud of their season. Way to shake up…

…the Big XII. Well, what’s left of it anyway. At the end of the year we say goodbye to Texas A&M and Missouri. And to that I say … “Goodbye & Good Luck.” We will also welcome – eh…welcome is a loose term in my vocabulary when talking about the purple frogs...TCU and West Virginia (!?) into our little fraternity. And to that I say … “mehm.” I will point out that I think it’s a little weird for your conference chair-people to make a big stink about how important it is that conferences “stay regional,” then throw non-regional schools in the mix completely randomly. I like the program, but what a whip for WVU, to have all of their conference games be …

…so close yet so far away. Which is how I feel about our season. At the very least, it’s almost over.

To put us out of our Week 12 misery, I leave you with the following snippet:

Debra: "I’m excited to go to college station, but I don’t want to go in that rape tunnel. That’s scary."
Me: "I’d rather be in the Aggie rape tunnel than in a shower at Penn State."

...too soon?

The Low Note

Well, the Longhorns decided to really end the home season on a high note. Wait. Did I say high note? I meant horribly awful low, very low note. Like, Isaac Hayes delivered it.

“Ya damn right.”

There’s nothing quite like a loss on senior day - it was so depressing that the seniors didn’t even take their victory lap around DKR while George Strait’s “If It Wasn’t For Texas” looped in the background.

Of course, not one bit of me is surprised. Kansas State is the only team in the Big XII (the original XII, that is) with a winning record against Texas. I’m pretty sure that Bill Snyder has a crystal ball filled with our plays, players, coaches, fans and license plate numbers, and every year about this time he just dances around it and summons up the win long before our teams arrive on the field.

To take some credit away from K-State (because I’m a little bitter and I feel like it), we did a pretty good job beating ourselves. I hate to burst the bubble of Collin Klein, who made the post game comment “Bottom line is we made some plays,” but the bottom bottom line (…you know, the one below the bottom line that’s closer to the bottom?) is that the Texas offense didn’t show up.

“Can you dig it?”

The ‘Horns defense gave their best performance to date, no shame in that game. Collin Klein, Wildcat quarterback was held to just 4 yards on the ground…his average is 101 per game. The D held K-State to 121 yards of total offense and only 8 first downs. The Longhorn Defense has really come into it this latter part of this season. I’m sold.

Can you guess what I’m not sold on? Do I need to even get into it? Probably not. Can I stop myself? Probably not.

I got some heat for a recent post where I proclaimed “there’s no excuse” for us not being able to field an entire functioning football team, regardless of how many starters are out. I stand by these comments even more so after Saturday’s pitiful showing. We lack basic skills like throwing and catching. We also lack logical play calling.

Don’t get me wrong. I was more excited than a lot of people when I heard that Harsin was coming to Texas. I’ve always felt that Boise State - and thus Harsin, tailored their program to their players, where Texas always seemed to tailor it’s players to it’s program. Even the exception proves the rule…it took years for the coaches to allow Vince to do his thing - to break from the box they intended to put him in.

I has hoping that Harsin was going to bring some of that spirit to Texas. That we were finally going to start building an offense that exploited the talent we have on our roster. Turns out that instead of a coach, we got a playbook filled with plays that worked great for Boise State Players. And he’ll be damned if he doesn’t fit our players into it.

"Shut yo mouth.”

Fun Stats That May Anger You:

80% - Percentage of yards gained by Texas in he last 21 minutes, 59 seconds of the game
3 - Points scored by Texas in the first 38 minutes, 1 second of the game.
1 - Touchdown scored by Texas in 8 quarters of play
1 - Halo Penalty against Texas
2002 - year the Holo Rule was removed from the big book of NCAA rules
3 Minutes, 16 Seconds - time of possession of the single Texas TD drive of the night.
81 - Yards gained in solitary Texas TD drive
0 - Interceptions by McCoy
2 - Drives ending in Ash interceptions
5 - times Collin Klein was sacked
6.4 - average yards K-State lost on sacks
5 - average yards Texas lost on sacks
1 - time Texas QB was sacked
(Sack, say sack again. Sack. The word is beginning to not look correct.)
99.9% - effort and greatness by the Texas Defense.  (I made this statistic up, but it is true)

Amazing Stats That Should Bring a Tear To Your Eye, Unless Your Heart Is Two Sizes Too Small:
(I mean two sizes too small in a Grinch way, not in an Andre the Giant way….)

5% - chance that Blaine Irby would ever walk normally again after his injury in September, 2008.
3 - surgeries to repair Irby’s dislocated knee, torn ACL, torn LCL, torn meniscus, torn cartilage, shredded muscles and tendons
15 - months from time from injury to when Irby was able to first move his foot.
3 - years after injury, Irby took to the field to play after what should have been a career ending and crippling injury.
1 - amazing heart & spirit named Blaine Irby

The Cartoon

Oh my goodness! I was flipping through channels the other night and saw that An American Tail was on. A favorite of my childhood, I flipped to it. Remember Fievel, sweet little mouse child who gets separated from his "papa" and family as they immigrate to America? There is much singing and mouse dancing? An inspiring cartoon version of the Rodent-American Dream?! Amazing.

I settled in with a Hot Toddy

I watched for about two seconds and came to the conclusion that it is utterly depressing.

These poor Russian mice! Going to America after cats burned down their home. Who told them there were no cats in America? LIES! Fievel, Papa and the rest of the Mousekewitz family hop on a ship bound for America and while on the journey are caught in a storm. Fievel, while trying to hang onto a hat eighteen sizes too big for him, ends up falling off the boat and riding in an empty wine bottle to America.


"Is this America!?"
"No, it's New York."

Fievel's family think (reasonably) that he is dead and go to make a life in America where, unfortunately, there are cats.

Meanwhile, Fievel meets an optimistic singing pigeon who encourages him to "never say never"and keep hope that he'll find his family. Clearly the pigeon, who claims to be building the Statue of Liberty, is mentally ill. But that's alright.

While journeying to find his family, Fievel encounters a pretty dirty rat (ha, get it) who, with the help of a cockroach in his pocket, enslaves him to work in a mouse-sweatshop. Fievel escapes with fellow child-slave Tony Tiponi, wandering the streets of New York as "Poor Wandering One" from Pirates of Penzance plays in the background.

Somewhere else in New York, Fievel's sister tells her parents she feels like Fievel is still alive somewhere, but they basically tell her to give up hope and not to try to look for him. "You can't find what's not there."

Did I mention there are cats in America? There are.

Tony and Fievel meet Bridget (Tony and Bridget fall instantly in mouse-love) who takes them to see a politician to help find the Mousekewitzes, who are unfortunately not registered voters, as they are brand new Russian mouse-immigrants.

It's at this point that Fievel and his sister sing the star-crossed duet "Somewhere Out There" and dream of be reunited. It's a tear-jerker. Kind of a cross between "One Little Star" from Follow That Bird and the opening credits version of "Heartland" from Pure Country. Not for the weak of heart.

The storyline gets a little fuzzy here. The dirty rat from the beginning comes back and all the other mice rally against him, then somehow Fievel discovers that the dirty rat is actually a cat in a mouse costume?! Fievel saves the day by tricking the cats into getting onto a boat headed for Hong Kong.

Still unable to find his family, Feivel is told by other mouse-orphans to give up hope.

But wait - before you off-yourself from sheer animated depression - Fievel eventually hears his Papa's violin playing and the Mousekewitzes are reunited! It's perfect timing, since the mentally-ill pigeon from the beginning has finished the Statue of Liberty. The Mousekewitzes, Tony & Bridget all get to live the American Dream.

Regardless of how sad this was as an adult, my sister and I were talking about when we went to see it in the movie theater - the big snowflake in the opening credits was one of the coolest things we had ever seen.

On a side note, there was a mouse sighting in our office today. More disturbing than the actual sighting is the fact that it promptly became un-sighted and now mysteriously roams the office under the cover of carpet base and computer wiring.

I chose to believe it was just Fievel. Looking for his family. Because there are no cats on the 9th floor.

The Date

At some point during the viewing of the ever so painful 7th game of the World Series, Debra turned to me with the ultimate would you rather:

“Would you rather go on a date with Gary Patterson or Bo Pelini?”

Hmm. My immediate response was “Hands down, Bo Pelini.” Then, as they always do, the wheels in my mind began to churn.

Churn….Gary is better looking.

Churn….I hate him.

Churn….Bo Pelini would probably make me eat corn and only corn on our date. He might even make me go pick it, shuck it and have it prepared, they way they do at restaurants with tanks full of lobsters.

Churn…I don’t want to go to Nebraska.

Churn…I don’t have any purple to wear.

Churn…Pelini breathes with his mouth open. He probably chews that way too.

Churn…churn…churn.

I ultimately decided that perhaps I should take the date with Patterson. My mind began to formulate a plan. Patterson picks me up, takes me to Al Bernait’s. After a nice wedge salad and a steak and shrimp combo, I order cheesecake. Immediately following a healthy serving of a crumbly graham cracker crust, I will excuse myself to powder my nose, then hop in a cab and hike it home.

It’s not very ladylike, but I feel it would be a healthy dosage of his own medicine. See how it feels to be left high and dry, much in the same way he does when he singles out his players after losses.

I know, not nice. But you can’t not play “would you rather.”

After divulging my plans, Debra made the comment to “be sure and pin a twenty to your panties.” You know, for the cab ride home.

Even though I hate the word “panties,” I nodded in agreement.

It’s a farfetched scenario, as I neither coach would care to take me on a date. I’m pretty sure they’re both married and I’m pretty sure they both hate not only the Longhorns, but Adventures of a Football Girl as well. I’m sure the loathing would be mutual if I were famous enough for them to know about me.

Eh.

God, punishing me for having such a mean plan, then made us lose the World Series to St. Louis.

And for that, I apologize.

The Show Me State: Addendum A

Well, let’s just say this most recent trip to Missouri didn’t “show me” what I wanted to see. Did it show me a pitiful display of University of Texas athletics? Yes. Did it show me that despite top ten recruiting classes for the last umpteen years, the coaches cannot substitute for an injured player? Yes.

Did it show me a win? No.

It is incomprehensible to me that an injured starter, or two, or three is a game crippling event. I can’t wrap my brain around it. Mack, Coach February, is one of the best recruiters in the country. What happens when these kids come to practice with the team?! Do they just hang out around the Gatorade and watch? Do they watch cartoons while the other players are learning routes? Why on earth don’t we have depth at these positions?

God knows the program has enough money and enough coaches to be able to teach every kid on the team how to play football to the extent that they can step in and play football when a starter is out of the game. What are we doing with these resources?

Seriously?

Grrr.  I'm Angry!

One interesting note from the game was watching Mack just completely flip his shit when we got tagged on a personal foul for an absolutely clean hit.  Of course, watching the game in the stadium is different than on TV, but we all were just flipping out.  To watch that many holding calls go un-called and then be nailed on a completely legit hit on an important 3rd down was upsetting.

Don't get me wrong, ref's callas are absolutely not the reason we lost that game, but within five minutes of that hit/personal foul call, I got about a dozen text messages telling me it was total crap. 

I've never seen Mack go nuts like that - he's usually so composed.  Not only did he get up in that ref's face, but he even went to talk to him when he came back from the half.  It's a rare Mack moment.  I thought he was going to go all Gary Patterson on him. 

Of course, Coach Brown didn't take it that far.  His post game mention of the play calling was as PC as always.  I guess wasn't really expecting anything different. 

Truly, Mack knows as well as the rest of us that the reffing was not the reason we lost that game.  We didn't need any help handling that.

If it wasn’t bad enough to lose to Mizzou (did you know that Pinkel, prior to the game, was 0-5 against Mack Brown?) during one of the quarter breaks, they did a stunning and painful salute to the St. Louis Cardinals and their victory over the Texas Rangers in the World Series. It was a little surreal to be sitting in the stands and look over to see the fans actually, literally taunting the Texas fans.

(Side note: During this strange taunting, I looked over and saw an old lady, who I feel was staring directly at me, laughing maniacally and throwing her Horns down. In the week since, twice I’ve dreamed about her and each time she was the old homeless lady in The Princess Bride – “So, bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo!” A little weird, right?)

One thing that I think is completely tacky, but I personally enjoy, is our band. I’ve observed at away games, our traveling band just being complete assholes and stomping all over the home team bands.

In fact, I first noted it the last time we went to Mizzou. We had won the game, and the players were all standing around in the endzone waiting for the Tiger’s alma mater to end so they could play The Eyes of Texas and get back on the freaking bus. The UT Band Director (Dr. Robert Carnochan - I believe this was his first year) finally had waited long enough and started playing The Eyes, right over the other band.

Dr. Crnochan - Rouge
Band Director

Was it arrogant and tacky? Yes. Did I love it? Yes. I won’t pretend otherwise.

In the last few years, I’ve found this happening all around the country when the team travels. That band director is going to lead that band whenever he feels like it. I guess his reasoning is that he only has with him a tiny traveling band, and a major university with their full band should be able to drown out anything he’s got this tiny traveling band playing. He may say that is his reasoning. But it’s not true and he knows it. And it’s awesome.

For instance, in Missouri, there was a big to-do about the Missouri waltz. I guess ol’ Dr. Carnochan doesn’t favor this particular waltz. About halfway through he just started playing some random Texas favorite. You think the Tigers jeered when the Cardinals were honored? They were practically spitting in our direction. Eh.

I guess if you can’t beat them, annoy them with Kashmir.

The Show Me State

As I pack my bags for a road trip to Columbia, Missouri, I can’t help but take the time to reflect on the last few games.

My work life has become so hectic that I haven’t been able to scour the interwebs for fun facts and statistics as I normally do this time of year. Usually my fall is filled with SI, Yahoo!Sports and ESPN. This fall has been filled with property budgets, reconciliations and operating expense estimates. But that’s the way college football go…

A few brief thoughts:

The Kansas game was an absolute whipping. I used to feel bad shutting teams out, but I don’t particularly feel that way anymore. I know this isn’t a nice person thing to say, but after having teams like Oklahoma shove run-up scores in my face in order to bank up BCS votes, I’m starting to shift my feelings…sometimes I want Mack to just shut out the other team and score score score. He usually doesn’t. So I guess I’m okay with that too. I’m conflicted about the right thing and …

...the fact that I can’t figure out Texas Tech. They’ve kind of begun to be known as a BCS buster…every year, they have that one game of greatness that just shoves a BCS bound team right off the radar. Though this year we were able to stave off the attack, that team has been us many times just ask …

…Blake Gideon. It was at Kansas a few years ago when he took a hit that I legitimately thought killed him. When you see someone take a hit like that on TV, you have constant feedback on how the player is doing and updates on his conditions. When you’re in the stands, all you see is him flop down to the ground like a ragdoll and stop moving for 11 minutes. It was at this game when I noted that as advanced as medicine gets, sometimes the trainers still result to good old fashioned…

…smelling salts. I think the Texas defense must have gotten a whiff of some in the last few weeks. I’ve been impressed with their improvement since the Oklahoma Based games. Not that we’re where we need to be or where we should be, but I liked seeing things start to come together on the field. While Manny Diaz doesn’t have Muschamp’s irrational behavior, he does seem to have a handle on what’s going on out there. The only thing that has impressed me more than the defense in the last few weeks is….

….Joe Bergeron, true freshman out of Mesquite. Uh, hi! Came out of nowhere and planted two solid 130+ consecutive games and five touchdowns. I’ll take it. If co-offensive coordinators Applewhite and Harsin are going to continue lifeless play calling, then it’s nice to have a little something exciting to watch on the field. Makes it a little easier to watch the game without having to spike your drink with…

…liquor. I hardly know her! Um. Anyway. As we leave today for our journey to Missouri, I am reminded of the absolute greatness that you can buy liquor in gas stations in the Show-Me-State. You can show me convenience like that any day, Missouri. As long as you also show me…

…a win. Let’s make it three in a row, Horns!

The Bowl That Wasn't

A few nights ago, Debra and I were discussing the possibility of Texas going to a bowl game, possibly a regional one that would be difficult to attend.

It got me thinking about last year...by the end of our pitiful season, we were so completely beaten down by Longhorn Football, that by then end of the season we were pretty close to hoping for losses in the last few games.  I wanted the losses to put the nail in the coffin of the firing of Greg Davis.

It was a rough season.  Kacie, Debra and I still traveled to all of the games...in fact, when we facebook-checked-in at a bar Manhattan, Kansas, we noticed an immediate comment:  "Oh my God, they're masochists!"

And it was true.  We went there knowing full well we would lose...and the 'Horns did not disappoint.

With just a few games left to go, we were on the cusp of a bowl bid.  Any bowl bid.  The three of us were so disappointed/tired/beated down/frustrated with the football season that we decided we wouldn't even go to the game if they made a bowl.

"I wouldn't even drive to the Cotton Bowl to see them play!" Kacie declared. 

But it was Debra who summed it up so beautifully that the image will stay with me forever:

"Hell.  I wouldn't even walk to my window to see them play in the [her street name] Cul De Sac Bowl."

Luckily, or maybe sadly, none of us had to follow through on our threats of ignoring an "Addison Circle Bowl", the "Empty Lot Next to My Apartment Bowl" or the "Parking Lot of My Office Bowl."

The 'Horns finished so abysmally, they weren't even invited to one.

And that's the way college football go.