Stuff I’ve Learned from Rival Football Fans:

You’re flimmin’ flammin’ bimmin’ bammin’ right, Old Miss is ready! Hell Yeah. Damn Right.

Texas only won the National Championship because of Vince Young. Meh, I’ll give it to you.

Texas Athletic Director DeLoss Dodds was a conference winner as both a track athlete and coach for the Kansas State Wildcats. Indeed. He was born and raised in Kansas. He also has three children who also bear the initials DD, which, as a triple initialer myself, makes me respect him even more.

Nebraska fans eat a normal amount of corn. I can neither prove nor disprove this. And I’m okay with that.

The Big XII is a weaker conference than the [insert conference here].  Maybe.  Or maybe we just run different offensive schemes and it's like apples and burnt oranges.

Texas needs to run the ball, they need a breakout rusher.  Look, I don't care if Baby McCoy picks up Baby Shipley and carries him into the endzone like a newlywed couple. Texas needs to score.  And win. However they can get that little piggyskin into the endzone or through the uprights is fine. 

You see, you have four chances to move the ball 10 yards.  When you move the ball 10 yards, it is called a first down.  Thanks, big stuff.  You're dreamy.  Can I look at your muscles while you explain the game to me....? I got it.

It’s not that cold. Thank you, for your kind comments about my tolerance of the weather. Come to Austin for a game in September. By God if you say one word about the heat, I will lock you in a porta potty.

“The Eyes of Texas” is really just “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” OMG! Thank you so much! I’ve been trying to place that tune since I was born! Thank GOD you’ve cleared that up! Now if you’ll excuse me, I think the Mickey Mouse Club is over…I can hear the closing theme song being sung by thousands over there in your student section.

You could never beat us in the horseshoe at night. Cause you're from Ohio. O-H-I-O

It is not good to try Meth. Not even once. I’m being serious. Not. Even. Once.

The refs totally fixed that game against Kansas in ’04. Yes, but don’t worry…after the game, Mangino ate the referee and a line judge.

Michigan is located in Ann Arbor. Let me tell you a secret: Ann Arbor is a whore.

Your team beat my team that one time. Statistically, yes, this is bound to have happened. But do you really want to talk about statistics?

Oklahoma beat Texas Tech and Texas Tech beat Texas, therefore Oklahoma beat Texas in 2008. I’m fearful of this circular logic and the passion it incites, but I do know that Texas actually beat Oklahoma. I was never good at algebra, so does that mean since Texas beat Oklahoma and Oklahoma beat Texas Tech, and Texas Tech beat Texas does that mean Texas Tech also beat Oklahoma? I’m confused….

Texas is responsible for bringing down the BIG XII because they are greedy bastards. If by greedy bastards you mean Texas expects the monies outlined in their contract with their conference be allocated to them, then yes, they are greedy bastards. Usually “greedy bastards” really just end up being exposed as “better businessmen,” but I get your point. You are jealous that your athletic director, staff, alumni and students don’t value your athletic program enough to invest enough money to warrant a nice return. It’s cool. I’m not hatin’.

Texas is responsible for bringing down the BIG XII because they are greedy bastards. This one again? Did I miss something? Did Texas leave the BIG XII?

Texas is responsible for bringing down the BIG XII because they are greedy bastards. The best whine is made from sour grapes. Sorry ‘boutcha.

The women in [our city] are better looking than the women in Austin. Thank you, kind sir, for the directly aimed insult. Now let’s clarify: by women, did you mean goats or pigs?

USC was going to have a three-peat on January 4, 2006. I’m sorry you feel that way. There’s a lot of evidence to the contrary. But, wait, maybe I'm mistaken...do the wins you have to vacate factor into that math?

Homecoming was invented in Columbia Missouri, home of the Tigers. So it doesn’t matter who wins, as long as you invented it, right?

Mack Brown just used the Simms/Applewhite quarterback controversy to get attention. Well, it certainly got attention. If using the Bo Pelini logic that all press is good press, then that would make sense. Say what you want about that season and Mack's decisions, as long as it’s not that Simms should have been the go-to guy. If you say that, it is possible my head will explode.

Texas should secede. I’m glad that you, much like Rick Perry, don’t feel the need to get the pulse of the registered voters of the State of Texas before making this declaration.

The BIG XII was started in 1998. Wrong.

Mack Brown came to Texas the first year of the BIG XII. Wrong.

Oklahoma always wins in BCS bowls. Still wrong…While it’s true that Oklahoma often plays in BCS bowls, they lose them more often than they win them.

The Texas Tech Mascot is NOT Yosemite Sam. Prove it, because I heard he was the roughest, toughest he-man stuffest hombré that's ever crossed into Lubbock. And he ain't no namby-pamby.

Ricky Williams ruined his entire career just so he could smoke pot. Possibly. I don’t think this was his only problem, but it certainly got the most attention. At least he’s honest about his between-season activity (ehem).

It’s okay for Iowa State to obnoxiously celebrate first downs, because they rarely get them. I feel like I would not brag about this. Though there have been seasons I’ve agreed with the sentiment.

Mack Brown is responsible for injuring Joel Klatt in the ’04 Big XII Championship Game by not having his players take a knee on every play after the half. Fail. Gary Barnett is responsible for the injury. Why were his starters still in the game when they were down by 40+ points in the third quarter?

I should ‘thank that Rosa Parks’ for letting me sit wherever I want on this Jayhawk game day bus. Okay…I’m not sure what to do with this gem of history/threatening comment, but I’ll keep it under advisement.  Also, I'm white.

(Horns Down) Very clever. You have turned a hand sign upside down to degrade my school’s mascot. I particularly love that you do this even when you are not playing my team. I admire the pride you have in your school’s own mascot.

Texas should have never gone to the Rose Bowl in the ’04 season. Mack Brown lobbied for votes and that is unfair. I am sorry you feel this way. It has been seven years since Mack made the horrific decision to stand up for his team. Let’s move on.

Aggies don’t lose games, they just run out of time. Whatevs. Longhorns lose games. Often spectacularly. Be a fan and get on board with the ups and downs.

TCU could beat Texas any day. Yes, of the 82 days that has been possible, TCU did win on 20 of those days. In the last 50 years, TCU has beaten Texas on 4 of those days. I’m not sure that constitutes “any day” but if it’s that important to you, take it.

A “Boomer Sooner” is not the same thing as a “cheater”. Correct, technically a Boomer Sooner would be considered, by definition, both a cheater and a thief.

I can’t tell you what “Rock Chalk Jay Hawk” means. It is a sacred school secret. I have no choice but to believe you also don’t know what it means.

A Lemon Drop shot is just warm vodka with a lemon on it. Clearly, in Colorado, a bartender can give you whatever he wants in a tiny glass and call it a Lemon Drop shot.

Texas blew a chance at the National Title when they lost the 2001 Big XII Championship to an inferior Colorado Team. Yes, I was there, I remember. It was a dark, dark day not only in the history of the program but in the history of my life.  I wept with joy when they tore that staduim down. 

Burnt Orange is ugly. So is Yo Mama.