The Gremlins

I recently watched Gremlins. I’m a grown woman and found it to be pretty disturbing. I have seen it many times before, most of those occasions being in my childhood, but for some reason it wasn’t until this adult viewing that I realized just how violent and scary it really is. It has made my list of:

80’s Children’s Movies I Think are Inappropriate for Children
Watcher in the Woods
Dark Crystal

Return to Oz

Labyrinth
The Hugga Bunch Movie

Little Monsters

The Never Ending Story

Goonies

Peanut Butter Solution

Gremlins

Since we’ve all seen Gremlins, there’s need to go into its inappropriate violence and scariness. But I do want to talk for a minute about one thing: the complete and utter disregard people in this movie have for the fact that their town has been INVADED BY AN ANIMAL SPECIES THAT DOESN’T EXIST!

Anyone?

First off, Billy’s dad sees a freaking “Mogwai” in a store and ends up kind of stealing it from a one-eyed-crazy-Asian shop keeper by paying off his grandson. I’m sorry, Billy’s dad, but do you really think this is a good idea? To steal an animal/alien you know NOTHING ABOUT?! Then when the shop keeper’s grandkid tells him the three rules of caring for the Mogwai, Billy’s dad is like, “yeah, cool.”

Um, did we not think to try to find out WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BREAK THE RULES?! Maybe I’m just super anal-retentive or something, but if I was stealing an ALIEN and was given only three rules about how to care for said ALIEN, I think I might start asking some questions. Here’s some I can think of right off the top of my head:

- Are these RULES or SUGGESTIONS?

- What happens if it is exposed to bright light?

- Is it up to date on its shots?

- What happens if it gets wet?

- What does it eat?

- Has it killed anyone?

- WHAT THE HELL IS IT?!

- How big will it get?

- IS IT DANGEROUS?

- What happens if you feed it after midnight?!

- How long “after midnight” is considered NOT “after midnight?” 2 hours? 10? Please tell me SPECIFICALLY BETWEEN WHAT HOURS I can feed it.

- How old is it?

- Does it have rabies?

No, no. Billy’s dad just packs up the Mogwai and hands this unrecognizable, furry but potentially dangerous creature to Billy, and Billy is like “Neat, thanks Dad!” Um..hey, Billy, since we know your dad is a little crazy, maybe let’s put that noggin to good use and ask some tough questions (see above). But no, Billy just takes the Mogwai, names it Gizmo and hangs out with it, sings songs with it, watches TV with it and talks to it.

That’s cool and all….until he GETS IT WET, at which point, Gizmo begins to pop furry hairballs from his back that morph into more Mogwais. Yeah, Billy should be more concerned about this…I would personally feel fear and probably try to figure out what exactly I’ve got going on.

Not Billy though. Nope, Billy’s ever-rational reaction to this is not to CALL NASA or ANIMAL CONTROL, but to take one of the Mogwai-balls to his high school science teacher for evaluation. Good move Billy. Way to get in touch with a professional.

Now, by this point in the movie, probably a dozen people in the town have seen at least one Mogwai, yet none of them think a Mogwai is out of the ordinary enough to CALL SOMEONE AND GET HIM CHECKED OUT. I can understand maybe Billy didn’t want to lose his precious Gizmo-pet, but since we know that we can make more Mogwais, how about maybe just get a dropper out, make some new Mogwais, box them up and send them somewhere like the CDC or PETA. Keep ‘ol Gizmo in the closet in his box when Homeland Security comes knocking and you’re good to go.

Let’s put it this way: I once saw a Llama, and I stared at it for about ten minutes contemplating if it was some kind of a short furry giraffe, or a stretched out sheep.  Maybe a deformed horse? I began to be concerned that there was a radiation problem in the area…but a little internet research and BOOM! I have a Llama, no need for concern. This is about ten minutes longer than ANYONE in that town spent trying to determine what a Mogwai/Gremlin was.

It’s not until these Mogwais get fed after midnight (again…a little time frame would be nice) and go from furry creatures to cocoons to crazed-green-murdering-monsters (Gremlins) that people are fearful. And these people only seem fearful because they are being attacked, not because they are BEING ATTACKED BY MONSTERS. Even though Gremlins are terrorizing the town, no one has thought to CALL SOMEONE other than the local police, who, by the way, are already handily being killed by Gremlins.

I’m pretty sure the people in that town would regard an El Camino with more concern than the Mogwais/Gremlins. “Is it a truck? Is it a car? What is it? Should we maybe call someone….?”

For instance….let’s say I’ve just killed a Gremlin in my microwave. Once the terror dies down, and I’m pretty sure I’m not under attack by anymore Gremlins, I think I’m going to go ahead and call the EPA. And the Secret Service. And Terminex.

Then I will call Anderson Cooper, and we’ll get this whole mess sorted out. You know…maybe figure out WHAT THE HELL A GREMLIN IS!?

If this had happened in “modern times,” rather than the 80’s, that crap would have been all over YouTube, and the feds would have been in that town faster than you could say “Area-51.”

Yet somehow, the town manages to get this Gremlin thing under control without the National Guard, and all the monsters are dead except Gizmo. Then the one-eyed-crazy-Asian shop keeper comes to take Gizmo away, saying that Western Society is not prepared to care for Mogwais. Hey, one-eyed-crazy-Asian shop keeper, I think maybe it has less to do with Western Civilization and more to do with the fact that you kept a pre-Gremlin in a box in your shop and he was easily thieved and fairly susceptible to turning into multiple Gremlins.

I’m not sure how any other ‘civilization’ is going to do much better…except that maybe they’d be better at contacting the proper authorities if they saw a couple dozen Gremlins murdering people in their village?  Maybe civilizations other than the Western one would just keep him in the box, and that makes Western Society bad?

I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Gizmo was allowed to watch TV.